You know. I’m really tired of writing these shitty posts with no truth or meaning in them. This time though, it’s real. It really bites me in the ass this time. It’s about how your friendship that you have cherished and honored for a long time, can suddenly die withing moments, and never come back, leaving your heart shattered in a million pieces. As I am writing this, I can’t hold back the tears. How could that go wrong? We were best friends, well, at least to me we were… We had a great time together, up until now they are still the best moments in my life. I’m a girl, he’s a boy. How do you think – what went wrong? EVERYTHING. Love went in the middle of our friendship, but more importantly my wrongness did. He confessed to me that he really likes me, but he didn’t want to end our friendship, so that’s why he hadn’t said anything earlier. Oh, but he had. I just didn’t want to hear it at the time. I didn’t want to think about my life without him. I guess the joke’s on me, huh?
But if you have ever had a best friend of the opposite gender, you most likely can imagine the feeling that ran through my mind. I said the first thing that came to my mind – I said that I didn’t see him that way and that I never would, for crying out loud, I shouted it. And truth be told, I am not sure it was true at all. After this first time of me hearing about his feelings, we somehow both brushed it all off, and continued to live our lives being friends. He even caddied for me, and took me out for a concert, which is quite fancy, knowing that we were 12 years old. It was perfect, and I got caught up in the fantasy one day, and mailed him about that maybe I did feel something more than just friendship towards him. And right then, everything went wrong. Everyone suddenly thought that we were a couple. Everyone was calling me and asking about it, and I felt so scared. Every thing, every little freaking thing I hated about myself, crossed my mind. I was so afraid that everyone was judging me for not being good enough that I let go of the only person who never made me feel anything less than happy and worth it. That was the day, I regret the most from the things I’ve done in my life. I regret every word I said, and it is impossible to explain, how much it still bothers me. That day, at dance, I told him that I could never kiss you or be together with you, as it is disgusting to even imagine it happening. And that, right there, was the end of our friendship.
It was one and a half years ago, but he still denies to talk to me, and as I have switched schools since then, I haven’t even seen him. And I still miss him so much. I miss our friendship, I miss those silly summer days, and the all-round amazing human being you are. I miss the way you made me laugh, and the way I knew I could always count on you. I knew I blew it. I blew, all because of what others might think, when really you should have been the only person that matters. I am so sorry, and I know that I can’t blame it on “being just a human being” or “being so young and immature”, because this was a whole new level of ugliness I brought. It truly is the biggest mistake of my life, and even now, almost 2 years in since we last spoke, I can’t help but to cry myself to sleep every now and then (more than I’d like to admit, to be honest), and I can’t get the words I said out of my head. I am repulsed by myself for that day. And just in case, you ever read this. I want to let you know, that I am not expecting you to forgive me or want to have anything to do with me ever again, but I just thought that you should know, that I will never forget our friendship, and I will never forget you. The truest saying I’ve ever heard says “A real friend is hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.”
Again, I am sorry for being such a jerk to you,