It’s just so hilarious, when people think- you’ve happy life- yeah right, I’m the happiest person alive, what a joke. It’s like seeing something funny, but not laughing about it. It hurts me so deep, to just realize that I seem so happy, because actually I’m dying, none of those little life joys can make me forget all the bad thing that’ve happened to me. I think that I’m going to break, but then I use all my strenght to pull myself together, yeah, sure, I’m doing a great job, but I’m just so tired, I have nothing left- great nothing to lose, but life’ll always find something bad to give me, I know. I don’t remember the last time I was fully happy, no, actually I do, but it will never happen again, cause you’re gone, far, far gone. It hurts to think what could’ve been if we were just little bit different than we are, maybe I’d live now. Yes, all I want from life is, I want to live, not to be just alive.
I feel that nobody cares, nothing happens. Maybe I shouldn’t talk, then I wouldn’t know people, it wouldn’t hurt, but no, it’s not that easy.
Do you know how it feels, to lose someone, you don’t even have?
It seems that life is pedophile. It just fucks me hard every day. When I come home I sleep, I have a double life, I live in my dreams, like I’d like to live for real. That’s why I’m getting up late, sleeping in days, I just love the way my life is theN.
I love sleeping, cause my life usually breaks apart while I’m awake.
I would do anything to have something, something real, something to hold on to, but I fall deeper every day, it’s like being immortal, but wanting to die.