“They are right. You are a hood.”

I always was pretty sure I wasn’t part of them because I didn’t want to be, I had different priorities. I believed that it was my intention, no distractions were allowed on my way to my dreams. And only now I realized I didn’t go out of group myself, I got thrown out. I was so focused on my goals I never gave a shit about fitting in the crowd. Guess that’s my fault now isn’t it? I was talking how I didn’t care about those bullshits they do, but was I trying to deny I’m outsider in that group to myself? I’ve never been in that situation before so the feelings kind of suck right now. It’s just hurtful to see that they are having more fun than ever now and they never asked me if I wanted to go, in fact I believe they’re happy I’m not there. And whose fault is it? Mine fully. At the moment I feel like I’ve lost my first but what if more follows? I have basically killed my social life in one group, how do I keep from getting the same result in the next? I’ve never been really worried about fitting in the crowd, I’ve always liked to be a loner time by time, oherwise I kill any of my creativity. And now here I am – I don’t know what I want- but I definitely see where I am now, thrown out. The biggest fear? To do the same again. How do I become the person everybody loves to hang out with again? How could I focus so much on everything else but forget that? Or maybe I just never realized I was until now? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have friends, I do, but I just realized I’m an outsider in my  own class. How in the hell did that happen? I’m cofused. Some of you may be out there now reading this and laughing about me. Well go ahead, if that makes you happy.

I have 2 months to figure out what do I have to change to become the social person I was again, otherwise I’ll get on the same train. What do I? I have no idea. What do I say? I have no clue. What do I change? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

If you can dream it, you can do it. / Walt Disney /

Take steps to come closer to your dreams, take baby steps, don’t rush. If you could find your way around the action it would be nice, but it just doesn’t work that way. KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH! You must take action. Take baby steps, don’t run,  go a little closer, like approaching a bird, while afraid of scaring it away. And most importantly – DREAM. Because that is where the ideas come from. Don’t be afraid to dream, don’t lock away your dreams, never throw them away, cause one day they might be on the to-do list not what-if list. If right now it is your dream, you’re just not mature enough to execute them into reality, wait, don’t forget about them. The best ideas at first seem crazy, if they don’t they aren’t any good. I, for example, have many crazy ideas which all have come from dreams.  I still don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to realize any of them, but hey, I’m getting there. I’ve realized what seemed impossible to me few months ago, that really made me believe that I can do just about anything when I’m really determined to. The other thing that concerns me is what my family would think if I started going for my dreams. I know – it’s so stupid. But I’ve always been really good at school, especially math, physics etc. but now I want to do something you can do when you’re brainless (well almost, you need to have logical thinking)…Third concern of mine is that even if I was about to realize my dreams – I can’t do it here, there is no future prospects for that here, I would have to go all over the world, which makes it even harder to do . But no, I’m not giving up, I’ve put the ideas on record, so when I am ready for them I have them. The more I dream and the more I move forward, the more I realize – I can do whatever I want to if I just thought of it first. If you can dream it, you can do it. SO DO IT!

 

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

” I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

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Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do  like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t.  If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…

If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….

the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.

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R.I.P.  ❤ always love you.