A middle aged adolescent

Although most of middle aged people would still call me a child, I beg to differ. I am at, what I believe is one of the toughest ages to be at, when you have to make decisions that will affect your whole adult life. Where I go to study is most probably where I am going to base my life and although the whole world is open to me, it seems such a limited choice.


I seem to come up with an exciting option every once in the while, but always am faced with a dilemma between education level and comfort I’d feel living in the country, always getting overwhelmed by the pros and cons of each place.


What is the most disturbing about my current situation is that everything seems to go too smoothly for me at the moment. Have I really learned to base my feelings and decisions on rational reasons or am I a ticking bomb that is about to explode in its usual emotional, overly sensitive form? How can I take all that I’ve done, experienced and felt this year so easily? Is this a part of growing up I’ve heard about, where you learn to take things more easily?


Where do we draw the line between rational and emotionally numb? Is it possible to walk that line without wandering to the wrong side at one point? I don’t know, but I can hope for the best at the end of the day. Life is so overwhelming right now as it is. After making a to-do list for my final year of International Baccalaureate program, I am feeling distraught as I have a long and stressful way ahead of me only to end up……… who knows where?


Even though I know I’m one of the “smart” kids, I can’t help but wonder – how do the rest do this? How can everyone decide what they will be doing in 10 or 20 years at the young age of 18 and 19? Maybe in usual national program I wouldn’t have this stress I do in the IB, but still – when did we give up our childhood, our freedom? From what age are we know required to slave for the material in life?


Now, at 7am, I am so deep in finances, planning every cent for my university studies and last year of high school, I am starting to wonder at what time my teen kids have to get up and go to school….? oh wait…


I just need a moment. A moment with myself. hah! One can dream.


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