I wanted to open up with you and tell you the story of how I went against what is believed to be right, only to find myself in the best place I’ve been in yet.
Society is full of what they call ethical beliefs. Whenever we face a dilemma in our lives we try to look at it from the societies point of view, often forgetting about the needs of individual. What if what is considered wrong for the society comes out to be good for the individual?
Some of you may have noticed I have no self-confidence whatsoever, I used to spend every second of my life worrying what people will think and hating every inch of my body.
During this vacation, I met a guy, let’s call him Eddie. We started hanging out (him, my girl friend and me), from the second night we hung out together he invited me to stay at his place, I politely denied his offer, saying “not tonight”. I did enjoy that couple role-play, felt needed and loved for the first time in a long while. So we kept seeing each other, and I had this internal battle of whether to try what I thought I would never even consider or not? And I did. Aside from the fact that the sex was horrible and it kind of wasn’t officially a one night stand, it was as casual as I had ever gone with it.
After that night (which is still painful for me to remember – bad bad bad) I was expecting nothing whatsoever… But he texted me in a day or so, just asking how I was doing and you know being polite… Of course, it made me feel good about myself, as I had no intentions to contact him ever… Then after I left my vacation, he started texting me some more, asking when I go back ( my family owns a house there, so we go there often… ) and saying how he missed my laugh and that he wanted to talk to me and how he would teach me Spanish… Then he started liking my pictures on facebook (which is huge for him as a guy who never uses facebook – EVER)…
The sad part is I really enjoyed hanging out with him, but c’mon, I had one long distance relationship, so I’m intending to keep this very casual…
After the night with Eddie, in few days I left for Barcelona, where I met another very interesting guy, fascinating really, and I kind of felt like getting the last bad experience out of my head, so I realized my Vicky Cristina Barcelona fantasy of vacation in Barcelona – great city, great food, great wine and great sex.
A while ago, if I had read this story myself, I would think – you have to feel cheap…. you have to regret it. And honestly? Not one bit. Cause let me tell you where I am right now…
I feel ok in my own body. I feel desirable, I feel beautiful. I have the healthiest relationships with food and myself I have ever had. My anorexic thinking has gone away completely. I am no longer sad with my own life, wishing I could change it completely. I accept myself the way I am. I feel confident now, and not the temporary “I just lost 10lbs” kind of confidence, no, real, honest love for myself and my body.
You can call me what you want, but I did what I felt was right for me at the time. Am I going to continue to engage in casual sexual activities? Definitely not. What happens in Spain, stays in Spain… 🙂
I say – do whatever makes you happy. Don’t question whether others will approve, because time and time again you’ll see that at the end of the day you are your only true friend… and without that you are lost.
Every aspect of success starts with confidence, you cant conquer the world without believing you even fit in it.
I know the phrase is as old as the bible probably is, but be yourself. It is the best thing you can be.
I used to laugh at these phrases, and I take it – some of you do now, but this just is a life lesson you have to grow up enough to understand. There are a lot of things you hear, but never truly understand until one moment. One blink of an eye. It changes. It changes you, your point of view, your whole existence, really.
And what now? Hold on tight and play it. Cause sometimes you just need to look at life as it is – a game. A cruel, blood shedding game of pain, war, love and heartbreak.
Save your tears for the heroes, because for now – you are at a new cycle of your life – you can go on as you did before or you can start loving yourself, whatever it takes….
Take advantage of opportunities. All of them.