August 8th, 2014

It’s funny, how each and every road I choose takes me right back to where it all begun in the first place – here. Like I would have cursed myself to misery and tears I once called so beautiful. Well, I guess after my nineteenth year of shedding them on a daily basis I got over the overjoy. At least I can see their point now. I am over-dramatic and self-obsessed, and I definitely am too emotional over things that happen to me. Well, sorry if learning that my mother bought me over freeing my father of alimony to then sentence me to a life in a miserable family, where my stepdad hates me and isn’t afraid to say so, plus having the eternal luck of having people leave me for one reason or another in one way or another, did that to me. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass.

To be honest, I’ve begun to see the irony of my life, and I am starting to believe that I am a sick, twisted masochist. It’s like no matter how hurt or alone I am, I still somehow choose to stick around, even when I see no reason or hope in my stay. I think I am waiting… Waiting for a moment when I truly die from a broken heart. When my blood vessels will explode from the pain I am in, and my heart will fail to pump the blood I so desperately need to live.

19 years have gone by, and no matter how hard I try, I always mess up. Sometimes I know what I have done to deserve it, and sometimes I don’t, but I just cannot do anything right. Have I forgotten that I have tattooed a permission to use me at some point? Maybe..

Why can’t the world understand that I hate myself for all that I am enough for all of them? Why can’t somebody see that I am drowning in my tears, and my happy facade is just that… a frontage?

Do I trust too easily, or do I just trust the wrong people? Because I am scared… constantly. I am scared to trust people, and I am scared to say what I feel, because I fear it will make me emotionally attached and that it will hurt more when they leave me… And so far I have been right to too…. Even him… Even the person who knew how fragile I am played with my heart… That’s the third attempt just this summer. Oh, that’s just great…

“Won’t you stay with me?

Cause you’re all I need…

This ain’t love it’s clear to see

but darling stay with me. “


Well, I have decided to close my heart. I haven’t figured out just how yet. But there is no point in waiting for someone to fix it. Honestly, I know that I wont be able to handle much more pain… because it isn’t just my heart anymore… I feel physical pain in every inch of my body, and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have a loving family, and I have to accept it.. I don’t have friends who really care, and I have to learn to live with it… but most importantly – I am unlovable, and I have to just suck it up and learn to bare it…because after all –


the best way to not get your heart broken is to pretend you don’t have one, right?







One thought on “August 8th, 2014

  1. Hi,

    My name is Mariana and I have just found your blog.

    You are 19 and can already express the source of your pain, you are sooooo lucky you have no idea. Ok a bit of irony is allowed here but yet, it’s true.

    When I was your are I was going through the same feelings and the background is almost the same as yours.

    However I was confuse, I was lost and I was 100% that I was a neggar, weak, lazy and whatever else I could use to destroy me.

    Needles to say that in that time internet was pure luxury and because the crazy religion of my parents psychotherapy and such were the devil!

    21 years later I finally have found the answer to help me go through the sad history that my childhood and youth was: all the abuse I have suffered caused me to end up with BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed only few weeks ago.

    Can you imagine a 40 year old woman that had to live all this time without any light over all the shit going on in her head?

    Do not let the same happen to you, you are young and this fact only make you
    B E A U T I F U L!!!

    Feel free to hate the whole world, feel free to tell me to fuck off, but also go for help. It is not fair to suffer for something that HAS A SOLUTION.

    Your time is now and then, when you’re my age it will be just a memory of how did you become a strong powerful woman.

    I hope you stop feeling the wrong way about yourself. ❤

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