So during the holiday season I had become lazy – didn’t exercise, ate too much too often too unhealthy. Then I had my new years resolution – Lose everything this time. So for 4 days, ever since 2nd of January, been exercising intensively and eating less and drinking water more again. I found my motivation, a picture of me as a fat kid, from way back in the beginning of 2009, so the picture makes me laugh but it still motivates me. Amazing. Also motivating is the fact that when I show it to somebody, no one believes it’s even me. So anyways, tonight I decided to exercise for 2 hours straight – I did hula hooping, I did sit-ups, I did groove dancing (fitness mode) and so on. I feel so revived now. All I can feel is energy going through me – incredible feeling. I hope that this feeling helps me to motivate me for further progress. I’m worried about how will I find time for this after holidays end, but that is already another story. But I just wanted to share this incredible feeling with you. And of course, I’ll keep you posted on the progress. 🙂
I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.
I always was pretty sure I wasn’t part of them because I didn’t want to be, I had different priorities. I believed that it was my intention, no distractions were allowed on my way to my dreams. And only now I realized I didn’t go out of group myself, I got thrown out. I was so focused on my goals I never gave a shit about fitting in the crowd. Guess that’s my fault now isn’t it? I was talking how I didn’t care about those bullshits they do, but was I trying to deny I’m outsider in that group to myself? I’ve never been in that situation before so the feelings kind of suck right now. It’s just hurtful to see that they are having more fun than ever now and they never asked me if I wanted to go, in fact I believe they’re happy I’m not there. And whose fault is it? Mine fully. At the moment I feel like I’ve lost my first but what if more follows? I have basically killed my social life in one group, how do I keep from getting the same result in the next? I’ve never been really worried about fitting in the crowd, I’ve always liked to be a loner time by time, oherwise I kill any of my creativity. And now here I am – I don’t know what I want- but I definitely see where I am now, thrown out. The biggest fear? To do the same again. How do I become the person everybody loves to hang out with again? How could I focus so much on everything else but forget that? Or maybe I just never realized I was until now? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have friends, I do, but I just realized I’m an outsider in my own class. How in the hell did that happen? I’m cofused. Some of you may be out there now reading this and laughing about me. Well go ahead, if that makes you happy.
I have 2 months to figure out what do I have to change to become the social person I was again, otherwise I’ll get on the same train. What do I? I have no idea. What do I say? I have no clue. What do I change? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.
” I will never forget you”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”
“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”
Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t. If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…
If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….
the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.
R.I.P. ❤ always love you.
I got a trauma about 5 weeks ago, for few days it did hurt, but then the paing stopped. After a while I had some blocking in my knee, the pain was back. So I went to doctor (have no idea why), he said it’s definately the meniscus tear and I need a surgery, but I, who is terribly afraid of needles and surgeries, decided to check if that’s really necessary by having MRI test, well it showed that everything is just fine. I went back to the doctors and he came up with three possible problems, but he never made a diagnosis, no, instead of that he told me that if it doesn’t get better in few weeks I’ll have to do the surgery. It’s been few days since the last appointment, after I went to school for the first time in few weeks it’s only getting worse – it hurts real bad and it swells. So basically there’s nothing wrong with my leg, except everything?! How can I go to school if it’s even hard to walk?Honestly right now it hurts when I don’t even move the leg. And the worst is that if I don’t go to school now I get kicked out (let me point out that my grades in last semester were excellent!), right now I have missed a lot so my teacher said that I CAN’T not go to school anymore. Right now I honestly have no idea what to do, because I can’t ruin my health even more, the knee is getting worse, but really is there a point in going to another doctor? Because I’m really about to kill someone if I don’t get my diagnosis, I’m paying money to doctors, I’m paying money for tests, but at the end it’s “it could be that or that or whatever” and this is not the first time. Usually I just give up on doctors and try to ignore the problem. But how can I do any sports with a knee problem? How can I walk normally? This is just so insane, the medicine has become so advaced but still it’s often very primitive. If making diagnosis is too hard maybe they should consider a career change? I’m really sorry for this blog post , I know it’s not my usual style of writing, but I’m really in search for help, cause right now I feel confused and pissed off.
Yesterday, on January 27th, at 1.20 am, Latvian singer, writer, composer and actor, Mārtiņš Freimanis (Martins Freimanis) died after facing some serious complications after a swine flu. At the age of 33, Mārtiņš Freimanis, had written many beautiful songs that will forever remain in Latvian culture. He has participated in many contests, including Eurovision, few years in a row, as a singer and songwriter. Although I was never really a huge fan of him, I did like his music, acting. I must say that these news shocked me, I still can’t really believe that it has really happened, it seems more like a nightmare to me.
Here you go, running for your destiny, working, not eating something to be fit, pleasing everyone else, trying to achieve your best, and then one day it ends. After a flu for gods sake. How is this fair? I mean, everyone has to die sometimes, but when full life is lived. No, I’m not talking only about this incident, but globally. My cousin died in his twenties, he was the sweetest person I’ve ever met, he died when I was little, but I still remember him as if I had seen him just yesterday. See, the thing is, I agree that life is unfair, and that is acceptable to a certain level, but this is just crossing the line. Everyone has to die, we get it. But why now? Why here? When a person is old you predict that to happen (not expect, but understand that it might happen somewhat soon), but when a person has lived less than a half of his/her normal lifetime? This is not unfair, this is a crime, a crime of life.
Why bother trying to be someone? Why try to be the besd? – if one day, just one simple day it can all be taken away from you. At my age this might be inappropriate to even have such thoughts, but I did concieve a thought of my death. What if I died tomorrow? Who would be there for me? Would I be happy with the way I lived? And I got the answer. I’m not going to run after something that’s everybodies else’s dream, I’m gonna chase my own destiny, I will do what I want to do. I don’t care about money, I really don’t, it just makes life easier. I’m gonna study what I want to, not what I could make a big salary of, I will date who I want to, not with who I’d look great together with. I will be me, I will be mine, not everybodies else’s. See this is the day – I’m my own.
“Life is too short, so take the time and appreciate”
RIP Mārtiņš Freimanis – you will always remain in our hearts, you were an amazing person- singer, songwriter, composer, poet, actor at only age of 33, the whole country is with you. There’s a candle in my house simbolyzing your soul transffering to the greater place. God bless you!
I was sitting quetly in my room, just checking up on my facebook and emails.Feeling tired and pretty much exausted. And there…the news came in…the tragedy that hit my in shock. The words were repeating themselves in my head.. again… and again…and again… I was sitting feeling no emotion, not believing my ears…not believing that something like that could have really happened. But when the schock was over, the sadness…the fear…the confusion came in… Tears rolling down my cheeks….truth hitting me…words repeating louder and louder AND LOUDER. I just could have never imagined something like that could happen with someone I love, I still can’t…That is unbelievable…I can’t believe it’s true. I just want to cry…
I’ve always been pretty sure about what am I gonna do with my life, but here I am, empty-minded in this autumn morning, hoping I had half of that confidence I had back then. It’s just that you are always so sure about what you are going to do, which way are going to go, what road are you going to pick, but when the moment comes, when you should know exactly what’s right for you, you know nothing at all. So here I am, hoping I do not make mistake, at the same time freaking out quietly, praying for the oblivion to come… But it’s never that easy, nothing’s that easy. You may have to walk down 5 roads to realize, that your first pick was the right one, or you might walk one road and never find what you’ve been seeking for, then blaming yourself whole your life- what if you would have just made one choice differently. What if… That’s a new one. How many times have people wondered what would have happened if they did something differently, most of them are miserable and unhappy with their choices. But, to be honest I don’t want to blame myself for my life, I want to do this right. But how? Here we go again, one more question that is not answered. Do you think that’s it? No, I could ask you what’s the reason for my fear? – but no, I know answer to that one – it’s not knowing, we don’t like things we don’t understand or can’t predict. Isn’t this just perfect? I wish I could know answer to the big question at the end WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE? – but there it is again – questions, wondering, guessing – I am tired of that. I just want to end this battle with myself, but I can’t. What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? What will I do ?
You know, there is one thing I hate about people- that some people feel so offended when there’s just no reason. I just can’t handle that, I get soo angry. Cause why should I apologize for something you make up in your mind yourself? C’mon you can’t always be right and you have to admit it, not feel so offended and not talk to someone just because you’re not feeling well. You know what? FUCK YOU! I don’t need persons, who can’t even stay real, they have to make an elephant out of little fly.. They make it up and tell everyone their story, and you’re the bad one. Haha, those people are just plain assholes.
Our whole life is filled with decisions. You chose everything – you chose the clothes you wear, you chose the music you listen to, you chose friends you talk to and everything else in the world. Life is full of opportunities, it’s just the matter of fact wether you make the right choice or not. It’s fine when you make mistakes on small things, but do you do when your choice is gonna affect your whole life? You think it trough, over and over again… and again- but you can never know if that’s the right choice for you, unless it’s too late to change something. Children rarely make their own decisions- parents do it for them, I kinda blame them for the fact that I don’t know what I have to do. Cause if I have no practice and then BOOM and I have to make the biggest move in my life yet. I have worked really hard on my thing, but then… I mean – now I don’t know if that’s what I want to do, if that’s where I have a chance to be on the top. All I need is time, but I don’t have it, so I’m gonna go with my intuition + my heart choice. I know I’m gonna feel fustrated and annoyed by the choice sometimes… but I’m gonna keep moving… I’m gonna fucking make it! Cause I’m strong enough, and I do believe in myself.
keep on rocking! :))