August 8th, 2014

It’s funny, how each and every road I choose takes me right back to where it all begun in the first place – here. Like I would have cursed myself to misery and tears I once called so beautiful. Well, I guess after my nineteenth year of shedding them on a daily basis I got over the overjoy. At least I can see their point now. I am over-dramatic and self-obsessed, and I definitely am too emotional over things that happen to me. Well, sorry if learning that my mother bought me over freeing my father of alimony to then sentence me to a life in a miserable family, where my stepdad hates me and isn’t afraid to say so, plus having the eternal luck of having people leave me for one reason or another in one way or another, did that to me. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass.

To be honest, I’ve begun to see the irony of my life, and I am starting to believe that I am a sick, twisted masochist. It’s like no matter how hurt or alone I am, I still somehow choose to stick around, even when I see no reason or hope in my stay. I think I am waiting… Waiting for a moment when I truly die from a broken heart. When my blood vessels will explode from the pain I am in, and my heart will fail to pump the blood I so desperately need to live.

19 years have gone by, and no matter how hard I try, I always mess up. Sometimes I know what I have done to deserve it, and sometimes I don’t, but I just cannot do anything right. Have I forgotten that I have tattooed a permission to use me at some point? Maybe..

Why can’t the world understand that I hate myself for all that I am enough for all of them? Why can’t somebody see that I am drowning in my tears, and my happy facade is just that… a frontage?

Do I trust too easily, or do I just trust the wrong people? Because I am scared… constantly. I am scared to trust people, and I am scared to say what I feel, because I fear it will make me emotionally attached and that it will hurt more when they leave me… And so far I have been right to too…. Even him… Even the person who knew how fragile I am played with my heart… That’s the third attempt just this summer. Oh, that’s just great…

“Won’t you stay with me?

Cause you’re all I need…

This ain’t love it’s clear to see

but darling stay with me. “


Well, I have decided to close my heart. I haven’t figured out just how yet. But there is no point in waiting for someone to fix it. Honestly, I know that I wont be able to handle much more pain… because it isn’t just my heart anymore… I feel physical pain in every inch of my body, and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have a loving family, and I have to accept it.. I don’t have friends who really care, and I have to learn to live with it… but most importantly – I am unlovable, and I have to just suck it up and learn to bare it…because after all –


the best way to not get your heart broken is to pretend you don’t have one, right?







I want success as my middle name

­              Some say that having a goal in life is what counts, many don’t realize that a goal without a plan is just a wish. People who dream big ,achieve a lot they say, I say people who work hard for their achievements are the only ones who achieve anything remarkable in life,  What I don’t understand is people saying that they are ready to change things they don’t like, but they are not ready to make any sacrifices. Success doesn’t come easy, you have to earn it.” People who are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world, usually are the ones who do”, of course everything starts with a dream, later you develop into your goal, then you generate a plan and then you do the dirty work, but it seems that many are not ready to do the last part. You can’t expect to lose weight, become a genius or win a marathon with just a plan you never did. You want to lose weight, but at the same time you go and eat a cookie, you go and drink a coffee – where is the dedication you told about? If you want to achieve something in this life – be ready to make sacrifices, nothing comes easy and immediately, it takes time, courage, self control and dedication, but most of all – hard work. Not saying you can’t, not stopping when you’re out of breath, not quitting when you don’t see the results you wanted, not fall while you’re going for it – that is what it takes. So maybe before you waste your time doing things that will never result in the way you wish they did, maybe think about whether you are at the point of your life where you understand what it takes.

Also, stop whining about not succeeding after a week. No champion ever has become a champion after a week or even a year of practice. Life is not a garden of roses, nothing worth having ever comes easy. If you don’t succeed – run longer, jump higher, work harder, keep trying, keep going, unless you faint, vomit or die, you can do more. And when your legs are tired, run with your heart.

The most powerful thing one has been given is self-discipline, unfortunately many don’t quite use it, it’s easier to eat a pack of chips than run that 5k, I know. It’s much more pleasure to go to McDonalds than prepare your own healthy meal, I know. It is easier to drive by car than the bicycle, I know. But if “easier” is what you’re looking for, then you don’t need success. You already succeed by not doing anything.

And if you decide that you really want to be successful and you’re ready to finally aim for what’s important – then we’re talking. Don’t worry about failing, get up and keep trying. No master has ever become master without failing, you learn by your mistakes and you know you have learned from it when you don’t ever repeat it. You don’t need to be the best to start your journey, but you do need to start your journey to be the best.

Most importantly, don’t think it’s a matter of a month. No, you didn’t gain those pounds over a week, you didn’t fall back in your studies in a week, don’t expect to get everything better be immediate. Keep going and you’ll get there.


wow, April.. really?

Can you believe it’s April already? Seems like it’s been just a few weeks since first snow and now we’re already counting days til summer. Right now nothing seems more calming than just the thought about being in Spain, taking that glass of iced orange juice, sitting by the pool with my laptop and blogging, sunbathing and just enjoying the weather. I partied a lot last summer and from what I have learned – that is not my life-style. I’d much rather just chill with my friends and alone, yes, being alone lot more is one of my top requirements for this summer now. I feel like – I need to get serious about my writing again, I’m even ashamed myself that the only writing I’ve done is updating my blog few times a month, which is pretty bad. This summer, the summer before IBDP starts, I’ve decided to be my ambitious self again, aiming, working, achieving.

I see how this new life-style has changed me, both in a good and a bad way. People convinced me I was planning my future too early, so I quit. And so on. See, I’ve created myself, now I just need to grind myself to be exactly the way I want – I’m speaking about both – appearance and personality.

I’ve noticed a strange thing about myself… If I put my mind to something particular, I can do it, whatever it is, no matter how impossible it seems, but if I’m just seeking for the right direction – it always leads to degradation, so planning is back. Let’s get organized.


Summer here I come.(:


about the 80/20, which turned out to be bullshit ;)

    If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ve probably noticed that I used to say that you can eat sweets and whatever you want as long as you follow the 80/20 principle. Well, this time I’m here to tell you that all was a big bullshit. I liked to believe that I could still drink coffee, alcohol or eat chocolate cake or at McDonalds as long as I followed the principle and counted my calories. Well, let me tell you – that was a lie. I didn’t lie on purpose, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I misled myself and you all from the right track. See, the truth is –  you can exercise as much as you want, you can eat as less as you want, but you will NEVER lose weight permanently if you don’t change your eating habits completely. You need to commit to a life long healthy life style filled with healthy meals, outdoor activities etc.
    I can imagine you thinking  : “but that’s impossible”, well not to sound rude but the only thing I can tell you is – suck it up, baby. I did. You can chose fit body or Cheeseburger, you can choose turning heads when you walk through the door or you can choose a piece of cake. Your choice. Many of us, overweight people, don’t really want to lose weight – we just kind of want it, and that is our biggest problem.
    See, after having this battle with myself over and over again I realized that I will hate myself after that cake or after that bigMac, but I will love myself with that fit body I’m going for. And after all am I really that weak to lose a war with food?Like, seriously? No. I’m taking a stand against my weaknesses. I made a special list of enemy foods, which contain such things as alcohol, coca cola (any kind), cheesecake (my favorite cake), ice cream (ben&jerry’s – bye bye), coffee drinks (oh no, no more starbucks and costa 😦 ), bread, hot-dogs, fried potatoes and so on. I know I might not be able to quit everything immediately, so when I do take a coke, I  take a can instead of a bottle and drink only a half of it, so basically, instead of the usual amount of 0,5, I drink only 0,15. That’s an improvement I think. And see, I believe that this way – I WILL lose the weight. It can’t be differently, I mean – I am living a healthy life-style, why wouldn’t I become what I want?

what we think, we become /Buddha


Keep on trying! 🙂

You’re the queen of the superficial

     So there’s this thought constantly running through my mind. If you’re human, I can surely say that at least once in your life you’ve made fun of someone ( maybe not to their faces, but still..)… But who are we to laugh at someone? Do you know their story? Do you know why the girl in your class is fat? Do you know why the boy from your school is crying?

    See I took a day off the life in my throne of superficiality and for the whole day whenever I saw a person I had at lest 10 versions of his/her possible story. Couldn’t make fun of anyone because I know my story. I know people may make fun of me, even though they don’t know it. See, that is a vicious circle. People especially girls that are known as prettier than others are often very superficial. But it’s not the people that are ugly or not as pretty, it’s society that’s fucked up. Don’t you see it?

    Let’s take a look at an example. So this girl below is a model. She is beautiful. But still there are people who will see her picture and say – she’s too thin, she’s too fat, her lips are too massive, her hair is messy.



       Also remarks like

1) “Oh, my god, Angelina Jolie is too thin, she may be anorexic”

2)  “Paris Hilton colored her hair but she doesn’t look a dime smarter”

3) “Chloe Kardashian has put on too much weight”

–> How are these any of your businesses? Mind your own life. Stop being superficial and judgmental. Nobody asked you, mrs./mr. Perfect. Just think before you speak.

“Winners find a way, losers find an excuse”

     So the beach season is coming and many of us are thinking the same old thing again “I need to get ready for the swimsuit season”. Well, I’m here to help you with finding your motivation, diet plan, work out plan and just feel great.

     Buying a membership in a gym isn’t the first step yet…. believe me. The first step is finding your motivation… you may think you have a motivation and it looks somewhat this :


… although that is great motivation… you still need a little boost. I got mine by purchasing the most adorable NIKE gym clothes I could find. I feel happy to just put them on and I feel like working out instantly.

     Also, you can’t just pop up in the gym for the first time and work out… it doesn’t work that way. You need a work out plan, because just doing something ends up worse than doing nothing.. Ask the people who work there where should you start, that’s the reason why they are there:)

     So…ok, you’re at the gym… you’re working out and you feel like your legs are starting to slow down and you can’t find your strength anymore…. download and listen to this motivational video… it is the best motivation I’ve ever seen –>

     Also, make sure you make your own work-out playlist full of music that motivates you to keep going. I, for example, put the video mentioned above in the playlist in several copies, so I hear it more often.

     Just working out isn’t enough to get fit… You can work out all you want, but if you keep eating at McDonalds 2 times a day – you will still be fat. The best diet is calorie counting… find out your BMI and the calories you need to consume every day to achieve your goal weight. Eat whatever you want, but NEVER exceed your calorie count.

     The most important thing is to remember : “When you feel like giving up, remember why you were holding on for so long”…. also : “Don’t you dare to complain about being fat and then go and eat a pack of chips” … and finally remember this :  ” Do you want to be sexy? Or do you want to eat french fries? – which would make you happier in the long term? – you’d eat your fries and then hate yourself, but you’ll never regret skipping the fries when you get fit.”:)

I’d lie if I told you I’m happy

I’d like to state myself as a confident enough person. But not today. Today everything about me seems wrong. The way my hair looks, the way clothes look on me, the way I am seems just wrong. I am also experiencing the “feeling really fat” phase. I’m working out 3-4hours a day to get my ass fit and I still feel so obese, which I am not, I am little overweight but it’s not that big of a deal….except it is. I hate my breast which are oversize, I hate my face which is so round, I hate hands which have the love wings, I hate my waist which is so jiggly and big. I just can’t seem to find a thing I like about myself. I really can’t. On these days I better stay alone, not talk to people, I don’t like throwing my problems and negativity on others backs, that’s why I am alone. I am just eating myself alive for every bite I had today – why did I eat so much? Why do I weigh more now than I did in the morning? Why did I drink the natural juice? Why? Why? Why?

I hate fat people cause I am one of them, I just can’t feel good about myself until I am finally thin. I don’t need to be average. I need to be thin. I need to. I don’t know what else should I do cause I don’t want to end up in a hospital because of overworking my body and organism. It’s now the 7th of January, and this summer I finally want to wear a bikini, to do that I need to loose freaking 20pounds. How do I find enough motivation to stay strong at all times? How do I find enough strength to keep working out even when not seeing any results? When do I find time for myself if I’m out from 7am – 9pm? When? Why? How?

If I had just one wish, it’d be the perfect figure, because right now I hate everything about mine. Everything. I just can’t go out with anyone. How can I expect anybody to love me if I don’t love myself? I’ve been asked out, but I just don’t feel comfortable meeting anyone. I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere. I feel the fat on me, I just feel it, it becomes heavier by the minute. It just eats me from inside.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.”

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

“If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.”

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.”
“I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you’re doing, but I can’t help it, cause I’m in love with you.”
“I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?”

“I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.”

“There’s a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there’s nothing I can say to make her feel all right.”

“The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.”

“No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.”

“If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will.”

“I just realized, it’s so lonely being free.”

“You don’t die from a broken heart.. you only wish you did.”

“Here’s to the men we love, Here’s to the men that love us, Since the men that we love, Aren’t the men that love us … screw the men… here’s to us.”

“You don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.”

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

Someday never really comes, does it?
I would like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark, if no one knows you, no one cares and no one breaks your heart.
How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine?

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.

I’ve recently noticed that every situation mostly depends on your reaction, and not only that… So I’m reading book “The secret”  in which the author talks about positive thinking which as she says is the key to success. I didn’t believe it at first, that’s exactly why I decided to read the book myself, not to trust what  my friends say, but now I have to agree that it really is some secret. Do you have the slightest clue how easier your life gets when you believe in yourself? when you believe in the best? Your reaction, perception and your belief is what makes the world around you… I know I know – it’s so simple, right? How can  that be true? I’m doing fine, but my life sucks etc. Well what can I tell you? Take off the pink glasses and look at yourself for real, realize what there is to change in your behaviour and do it! Life is easy if you believe it is, that’s what buddhists have been telling us since forever – Life is the result of our thoughts and action. That’s our fault that we complicate everything to the way it is. Now think about it for a  second and tell me I’m wrong, go ahead! Well does it make sence now? Let me explain the principle wth a simple argument : Now think about what I say – when you think you can do something easily, you feel more motivated doing it, right? of course you do, because you don’t fear failure and you believe you can do it… When you think something is impossible – you either try harder or never try at all, right? When you try something harder and you still think it’s unreachable after a while you stop trying, cause you see no way to succeeding anyways, but if you never tried at all, you haven’t done anything, which practically is equal to failure to you. So basically we all know that believing our abilities make everything we do easier…it’s just a matter of time to realize that…Also what I’ve noticed is when you take a fight with someone easy, when you don’t freak that it’s the end of your relationship, friendship or whatever, when you believe that it’s just a little bump in your way, it really turns out to be that way. Now, how many of you can honestly raise their hands that they have never made an elephant out of  a fly?  I mean have you never freaked out about something, when it actually turns out to be not that bad? If you raised your hand, take it down and think harder, that is impossible. And that is just the way it works. If you think you’re going to miss your train, wait for it and you really will, if you think you’re alone in the whole world, you will really be soon… See if you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t, you’ll be waaay happier… now that makes sence, right? I thought so.:)

So let’s gather facts :

1. Your life depends on your way of thinking.

2. When you feel good about yourself, you’re more productive and creative, and able to do hard things.

3. when you think about yourself realistic you realize that you have to work on your behaviour.

4. THE SECRET is positive thinking.