Loneliness is a bitch

Why is it that all women ever talk about anymore is men? Even when alone, we play out these incredibly beautiful scenarios in our heads, making it almost impossible for anyone to meet our expectations. It’s not that I’m expecting … Continue reading

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.

 

 

 

 

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

” I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

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Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do  like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t.  If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…

If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….

the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.

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R.I.P.  ❤ always love you.

Music is what feelings sound like. ~author unknown

Hey everyone, today I am giving you something different, I am going to post my song-list of the songs that are good for several occassions and download links. Here they are

HEARTBREAK SONGS

–     everybody hurts  (R.E.M.) – because this song really let’s you cry out everything that you’re feeling.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7910472&song=everybody+hurts

–     irreplacable (Beyonce) – that is the right attitude. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7647560&song=Irreplaceable

–     the way I loved you (Selena Gomez & the Scene)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8329635&song=The+Way+I+Loved+You

–     love hurts (Gram Parson)

http://beemp3.com/index.php?q=Gram+Parsons+love+hurts&st=all

–     fall to pieces (Velvet Revolver)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7040392&song=Fall+To+Pieces

LOVE SONGS

–     I don’t wanna miss a thing (Aerosmith) – one of my favourite songs of all time

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=4662220&song=I+don%60t+Wanna+Miss+A+Thing

–     your song (Elthon John) – makes me cry every time (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8308471&song=Your+Song

–     everything I do (I do it for you) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8413972&song=Everything+I+Do+%28I+Do+It+For+Y

–      I’ll be right here waiting (wherever you go, whatever you do ) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7892639&song=I%27ll+Be+Right+Here+Waiting

–     come what may (Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman) – Moulin rouge ❤

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3424393&song=Come+What+May

–      this love ( Maroon 5) – don’t you just looove maroon5? I know, I do. heh. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2500078&song=Maroon+5+-+This+Love

–     hero (Enrique Iglesias) – used to love that song too.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8407588&song=Hero

–     always (Blink 182) – amazing band, great song,

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=5163318&song=Always

LIFE SUCKS (music doesn’t)

–    boulevard of broken dreams (Green Day) – GD rocks..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7591346&song=Boulevard+Of+Broken+Dreams

–     black keys (Jonas Brothers) – not a fan of that kind of music, but that song is allright. :))

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8246011&song=Jonas+Brothers+%27+Black+Keys+%27

–     untitled (Simple Plan)- this song is just priceless

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=6282883&song=untitled

–     leave out all the rest (Linkin Park) – the IT band. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3292986&song=Leave+Out+All+The+Rest

CONFUSION SONGS

–      crawl (Chris Brown)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7868762&song=Crawl

–     coming clean (Green Day) – here is more GD, believe me, this is not the last one..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8412827&song=Coming+Clean

–   how soon is now? (The Smiths)  

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2165253&song=How+Soon+Is+Now

SADNESS SONGS  (when somebody dies/leaves you)

–     when you’re gone (Avril Lavigne) – the lyrics are great, but the singing disturbs a bit

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7671862&song=When+You%27re+Gone

–     daddy’s little girl (Frankie J)- this song is one of the best I’ve ever heard

couldn’t find a place to download it, but you can watch it right there (that song is really priceless, amazing)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5aTwvWEQD8&feature=player_embedded

–     Slipped away (Avril Lavigne)- again, the lyrics is the reason why this song is here

–     the last song (Elthon John)

–     tears in heaven (Eric Clapton)

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if you have any questions, suggestions or anything else write in a comment section or write me heywhatsupitsjenn@inbox.lv

i am too shocked to think about the title.

I was sitting quetly in my room, just checking up on my facebook and emails.Feeling tired and pretty much exausted. And there…the news came in…the tragedy that hit my in shock. The words were repeating themselves in my head.. again… and again…and again… I was sitting feeling no emotion, not believing my ears…not believing that something like that could have really happened. But when the schock was over, the sadness…the fear…the confusion came in… Tears rolling down my cheeks….truth hitting me…words repeating louder and louder AND LOUDER. I just could have never imagined something like that could happen with someone I love, I still can’t…That is unbelievable…I can’t believe it’s true. I just want to cry…

“I realize I’m in one of those stages where I’m mad at the world…It’s like I’m daring the world to push me off a cliff…just to see if I can fly.”

I feel like I am finally coming to my senses. They always try to make it to look like I’m the bad one, the one who doesn’t understand, doesn’t care. And I used to believe it, cause I just didn’t know who I am, but now I do, now I know that I was always wrong in a right way. Cause, actually, I’m the only one that does care, the only one who does understand! Now, isn’t that just silly? It appears that actually everybody was lying to me, to themselves, but now I know, I’m right. So that’s enough I’m not letting anyone to step on my head anymore, I am not letting people to take advantage of me, cause I’m so done with that. Yes, I’m mad, but I will not show that, cause it just doesn’t matter. Yes, I know I’m right, but I won’t tell, cause it’s just easier. Yes, I know that I can’t live like this, but I have to, cause apparently, some people just have to live like that, even though they deserve better. But just wait, cause one day, one day I will help all the people who have to live this way, I’m going to destroy, mentally destroy people who make everybody believe that they are innocent, while they are actually killing others WHO ARE innocent. What’s up with those people? How can they be so false and so evil[ish] and everybody thinks they are great, friendly and amazing? What the hell is happening to the world? We just don’t see clearly anymore. We just don’t. And I know, yes, I am angry at the whole world now, but I like to dare it to kill me, cause it just can’t, I”m way too smart for that. I’m way too mature for that. And soon everybody who is not, will be, cause I’m not just letting the world to destroy itself!

She’s been everybody else’s girl…maybe one day she’ll be her own

There are so many people that live for others, they care only about what others think. They go trough their lives with many eyes admiring them, while loosing themselves. Yes, they are popular, yes, they are admired- but the person people admire is slowly fading away… trying to escape that hell. I’m not saying that good looks don’t matter- but I think- what’s the good about bon-bon that looks good on the outside, but tastes like crap? I mean, walking-breathing doll, too cool to care about others, too busy to be with the ones who was with them while they were still humans, too fake to even know what’s real… a walking barbie-doll…. She’s been with every cool guy, she’s friends with every cool girl, she gets everything she wants… she gets enough of everything, everyone gets enough of her… but she will never be her own… The truth is she doesn’t know herself who she is.. and she never will… she’s just going trough her life on those high heels thinking she’s perfectly fine, when truth is – the deepest seas of her soul are falling apart, tearing up inside.. Where is she? Where is the girl she used to be? There’s only plastic doll walking upon me.

We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand…and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.

Time… Time is a huge term, but we- people… we divide it in many small pieces- past, present and future.. but who the hell are we to do such thing? Time is one unit… we have only what’s here, everything else is just made up so that we can destroy ourselves with remembering the past and thinking about the future… We never appreciate what we have, cause we remember what we had and dream about what we could have in the future – tell me, why? Cause life is just a game now… At this point, it’s all about surviving. We all are just a little part of Everything, we are one simple atom in the whole process..

Yesterday, today, tommorrow- why? I have today! I want to just be here, isn’t taking one step at a time hard enough?  I wish I had a memory like a hamster- 2 seconds and life goes on.. No hurt feelings, no broken hearts, no problems- just run around in your cage and think.. for whole 2 seconds- doesn’t that sound nice?

Or maybe, just maybe I could get out of life and be a pacer for some time… just sit behind and watch the life around me go on..

Time… time is a catastrophe in the way we have learned to use it – – the bomb counts down, the aging happens – if we had just today, we’d live the life so much better.. but well.. life sucks and then you die.

You ask me, how am I? Well I’m still standing, aren’t I? That’s something, that’s one thing that’s gone my way…

Walls are closing in, I feel like I’m going to die, I don’t know why, but everything’s going wrong. I’m always too late for something, I always miss what’s important- I don’t know how to live, I don’t know what it is to live. I want to just pull myself together and forget about them all, I’m tired of hearing that I can’t, cause I know myself- I can reach out for the  stars, I can wave my hands and fly, in my dreams. I don’t need to hear how stupid, dumb, immature, weird etc. I am – cause I know that, I’ve been listening to all those things for my whole life. But you know what ? I’m done with it!! I’m done with trying to please others, I’m done with trying to step forward- I don’t need it. I can do it for myself, and I don’t have to tell anyone. I’m fine on my own, cause everyone else seems to be making me cry. I’m tired…. I’m.. I’m… Nothing’s going my way… well, but I’m standing aren’t I? That’s one thing that has gone my way.

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next posts will go under a section called ‘imagine’, that means  that I read a quote, I love it and I write what comes on my mind when I read it. 🙂

oh and btw. for my sunshine: