“After all of my running… I’m finally coming…Home “

She was an extraordinary girl. She had always enjoyed traveling, the further she went, the more she felt at home. They say home is where the heart is and in her home-land her heart had been shattered in million pieces … Continue reading

Loneliness is a bitch

Why is it that all women ever talk about anymore is men? Even when alone, we play out these incredibly beautiful scenarios in our heads, making it almost impossible for anyone to meet our expectations. It’s not that I’m expecting … Continue reading

A middle aged adolescent

Although most of middle aged people would still call me a child, I beg to differ. I am at, what I believe is one of the toughest ages to be at, when you have to make decisions that will affect … Continue reading

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

I never quite understood why they say that opposites attract, because in my experience I’ve noticed a tendency of attitude to attract similar attitude, a person to attract a similar person. I think that these “opposites attract” cases are just … Continue reading

Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.

Seems to me people are always searching for second chances and ways to start over new. It’s gotten to a point where some people go under the knife to revert the consequences of a night or several they no longer … Continue reading

One shoe doesn’t fit everyone.

I wanted to open up with you and tell you the story of how I went against what is believed to be right, only to find myself in the best place I’ve been in yet. Society is full of what … Continue reading

Inhaling the breath of Barcelona

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From the minute I stepped my foot in the city of Barcelona, I felt that I was there to fall in love. Not necessarily with a good looking Spanish man this time, but the city itself. I felt something magical … Continue reading

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.





If you can dream it, you can do it. / Walt Disney /

Take steps to come closer to your dreams, take baby steps, don’t rush. If you could find your way around the action it would be nice, but it just doesn’t work that way. KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH! You must take action. Take baby steps, don’t run,  go a little closer, like approaching a bird, while afraid of scaring it away. And most importantly – DREAM. Because that is where the ideas come from. Don’t be afraid to dream, don’t lock away your dreams, never throw them away, cause one day they might be on the to-do list not what-if list. If right now it is your dream, you’re just not mature enough to execute them into reality, wait, don’t forget about them. The best ideas at first seem crazy, if they don’t they aren’t any good. I, for example, have many crazy ideas which all have come from dreams.  I still don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to realize any of them, but hey, I’m getting there. I’ve realized what seemed impossible to me few months ago, that really made me believe that I can do just about anything when I’m really determined to. The other thing that concerns me is what my family would think if I started going for my dreams. I know – it’s so stupid. But I’ve always been really good at school, especially math, physics etc. but now I want to do something you can do when you’re brainless (well almost, you need to have logical thinking)…Third concern of mine is that even if I was about to realize my dreams – I can’t do it here, there is no future prospects for that here, I would have to go all over the world, which makes it even harder to do . But no, I’m not giving up, I’ve put the ideas on record, so when I am ready for them I have them. The more I dream and the more I move forward, the more I realize – I can do whatever I want to if I just thought of it first. If you can dream it, you can do it. SO DO IT!


“If you do not have a target to aim for, you are going to miss it anyway.” – Clifford Aga

I found this amazing quote today and it got me thinking… See I’ve already told you before that I am a bit concerned about my future, I am afraid of setting my goals too high…not choosing the right target to aim for..But this sentence just made me more confused, but it’s that kind of confusion after what comes the enlightenment. So here it goes…


There are few moments in our lives that can confuse us with questions like ” What am I going to do in my future?” “Am I going to be successful?”. “Am I going to make the right career choice?'”, “Is this really what’s meant for me?” (..)…

I actually blame parents, cause they let their children to build these ilusions, big dreams… Sometimes it may become a little more than just that… a lot more – THE target. So you live on with that dream of yours, when one day it crashes, cause you understand how unreachable it is. I know people say “Everything is possible” and now… How many people want to/believe that they are going to be the president of the United States of America? (or any other country for that matter).. I don’t mean to bitch around or something, but it’s IMPOSSIBLE for million people to reach that dream. But there are few who will achieve, am I right? Do you see where I’m going with this?

There is absolutely no guarantee that you will achieve your goal or fulfill your dream, but if you don’t even try – you will never going to achieve it anyways. So, really what is the difference between going for it or not going? In either way you can miss, so whatever, move on, go ahead have a backup plan. I mean, what do you have to lose? Money for studies? SO WHAT? Money is overrated in this material world, you don’t lose your knowledge, you only lose an opportunity, ONE opportunity now, how many other ones are out there? What will you lose- your time? Oh, that’s a good one, I say stop feeling sorry for yourself, working hard isn’t for nothing if even if you don’t get what you wanted. Well, what else? Oh, the faith? Faith is a bullshit, it’s a fairytale, grow up baby, let’s start thinking for real now, ok? Here’s an answer for you – you don’t lose anything at all, you just made a deposit for what to be awarded later light bulb!?!  I’m sure that at age of 60-70 you would rather look back on your youth and say: I was trying to do that, I was trying to do that, I did that, other than – I wanted to do that, I wanted to do that and I never got a chance to try that either cause I was afraid of failure. Well there’s something people often forget regrets are worse than failure. Actually, I don’t even know a word failure it just means you have found 10,000 ways it doesn’t work, or 10,000 paths that are not for you.

Personally, I, would rather regret something I failed to do while trying my best in achieving it, than something I never did because I was afraid I would fail. So what? Get up, move on, go ahead  next move, next destination. See if you know you did your best even though you weren’t the best, it counts for a lot. You made yourself a better person, you made yourself the best, the smartest you there could ever be.

Don’t get me wrong, you probably are now thinking somewhat this ” I can’t rely on one plan, what if it doesn’t work out.”. I never said you should go with one plan, I’m actually that kind of person that always likes having a backup plan. Maybe it is easier to achieve the backup plan first and then go for your real target in full speed.

Sure, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it just hit me, I feel like I should just keep going for what I used to believe in. How is working hard going to hurt me? Yes, it will be tough, the long working hours and everything, but now I just can’t find a reason to even say “oh,I don’t know about that.” , see, if I don’t get what I want? I’ll get better than people who didn’t work that hard, right? Sometimes you just have to look at situations from different angles, look around yourself and analyze the situation, make conclusions.

I know that we all want to be rich and we all want to have lives where we don’t have to worry about stuff, but let’s face it, it’s never going to be that way. Life is a hell, not a paradise, my dear. It’s what you make it, you will not make anything unless you try. Do you get this one now? 🙂 Working for money is not going to be fun for long, my dear. Sure, the big bucks are nice to have but are you ready to give  your life away for money, wouldn’t you want to be where you want to be? Money, fame  are not the right things to wish you had, believe me, I often forget this myself, but I know what I want to do now, so I’m going to do my best to get there and never regret. I will forget about such words as disappointment, regrets, failure..

See, the targets are really never about the destination, they are about the journey. You don’t have to agree with me, but you’ll never reach the destination if you don’t take the journey, right?

I think I’ve said enough on this topic. I feel like I just threw off 100 pounds of my shoulders.



heywhatsupitsjenn@inbox.lv – my new email. 🙂  Feel free to write me your thoughts, questions, suggestions, situations. 🙂