Loneliness is a bitch

Why is it that all women ever talk about anymore is men? Even when alone, we play out these incredibly beautiful scenarios in our heads, making it almost impossible for anyone to meet our expectations. It’s not that I’m expecting … Continue reading

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

I never quite understood why they say that opposites attract, because in my experience I’ve noticed a tendency of attitude to attract similar attitude, a person to attract a similar person. I think that these “opposites attract” cases are just … Continue reading

Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.

Seems to me people are always searching for second chances and ways to start over new. It’s gotten to a point where some people go under the knife to revert the consequences of a night or several they no longer … Continue reading

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.

 

 

 

 

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

” I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

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Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do  like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t.  If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…

If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….

the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.

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R.I.P.  ❤ always love you.

Music is what feelings sound like. ~author unknown

Hey everyone, today I am giving you something different, I am going to post my song-list of the songs that are good for several occassions and download links. Here they are

HEARTBREAK SONGS

–     everybody hurts  (R.E.M.) – because this song really let’s you cry out everything that you’re feeling.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7910472&song=everybody+hurts

–     irreplacable (Beyonce) – that is the right attitude. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7647560&song=Irreplaceable

–     the way I loved you (Selena Gomez & the Scene)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8329635&song=The+Way+I+Loved+You

–     love hurts (Gram Parson)

http://beemp3.com/index.php?q=Gram+Parsons+love+hurts&st=all

–     fall to pieces (Velvet Revolver)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7040392&song=Fall+To+Pieces

LOVE SONGS

–     I don’t wanna miss a thing (Aerosmith) – one of my favourite songs of all time

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=4662220&song=I+don%60t+Wanna+Miss+A+Thing

–     your song (Elthon John) – makes me cry every time (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8308471&song=Your+Song

–     everything I do (I do it for you) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8413972&song=Everything+I+Do+%28I+Do+It+For+Y

–      I’ll be right here waiting (wherever you go, whatever you do ) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7892639&song=I%27ll+Be+Right+Here+Waiting

–     come what may (Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman) – Moulin rouge ❤

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3424393&song=Come+What+May

–      this love ( Maroon 5) – don’t you just looove maroon5? I know, I do. heh. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2500078&song=Maroon+5+-+This+Love

–     hero (Enrique Iglesias) – used to love that song too.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8407588&song=Hero

–     always (Blink 182) – amazing band, great song,

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=5163318&song=Always

LIFE SUCKS (music doesn’t)

–    boulevard of broken dreams (Green Day) – GD rocks..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7591346&song=Boulevard+Of+Broken+Dreams

–     black keys (Jonas Brothers) – not a fan of that kind of music, but that song is allright. :))

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8246011&song=Jonas+Brothers+%27+Black+Keys+%27

–     untitled (Simple Plan)- this song is just priceless

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=6282883&song=untitled

–     leave out all the rest (Linkin Park) – the IT band. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3292986&song=Leave+Out+All+The+Rest

CONFUSION SONGS

–      crawl (Chris Brown)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7868762&song=Crawl

–     coming clean (Green Day) – here is more GD, believe me, this is not the last one..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8412827&song=Coming+Clean

–   how soon is now? (The Smiths)  

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2165253&song=How+Soon+Is+Now

SADNESS SONGS  (when somebody dies/leaves you)

–     when you’re gone (Avril Lavigne) – the lyrics are great, but the singing disturbs a bit

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7671862&song=When+You%27re+Gone

–     daddy’s little girl (Frankie J)- this song is one of the best I’ve ever heard

couldn’t find a place to download it, but you can watch it right there (that song is really priceless, amazing)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5aTwvWEQD8&feature=player_embedded

–     Slipped away (Avril Lavigne)- again, the lyrics is the reason why this song is here

–     the last song (Elthon John)

–     tears in heaven (Eric Clapton)

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if you have any questions, suggestions or anything else write in a comment section or write me heywhatsupitsjenn@inbox.lv

i am too shocked to think about the title.

I was sitting quetly in my room, just checking up on my facebook and emails.Feeling tired and pretty much exausted. And there…the news came in…the tragedy that hit my in shock. The words were repeating themselves in my head.. again… and again…and again… I was sitting feeling no emotion, not believing my ears…not believing that something like that could have really happened. But when the schock was over, the sadness…the fear…the confusion came in… Tears rolling down my cheeks….truth hitting me…words repeating louder and louder AND LOUDER. I just could have never imagined something like that could happen with someone I love, I still can’t…That is unbelievable…I can’t believe it’s true. I just want to cry…

So this is odd, the painful realization that has all gone wrong… And nobody cares at all…

You know, it’s hard enough when you have no relationship with your father, but when your mother bails on you… I feel like dying inside. I hate my life, I hate my everything. How is this even fair?

Am I some kind of slave? Why does everyone think that my life is so easy. wanna hear my day?

I wake up. I go to school. I study. I come home. I study. you know the whole AP thing is not helping. 

I just didn’t clean the citchen, cause I was so tired, I couldn’t stand- and now… well, I’ll tell you what’s now – When I tryed to take and read the newest magazine , she said: Those are mine.  I can’t touch anything in this house now, and I can’t go anywhere..

My sister does nothing, but annoying me.. on purpose… my dad, well, he just doesn’t give a shit about me, and my mom now doesn’t care either.

why?

Cause I’m the stupid -i don’t know what’ , that does nothing, but eat, yell, eat, yell and get carpooled to school (my mom said that sentence) – well, maybe I should give them a reward?

FUCK YOU ALL. I’m tired with trying to apologize, for  what I’m not even that guilty. I’m sick of crying myself to sleep, cause my life is miserable, I’m fucking done with trying to please anyone- cause I don’t need them, I don’t fucking give a shit anymore…

Is wanting a family that wants you is too much to ask for? What have I done so so wrong, to deserve life like this? why can’t I have something, something to chose from – I don’t have anyone I can relay on. I seriously, have no idea what to do now… I’m just feeling broken inside, I feel that I’m bleeding, and my tears are running down my cheeks to tell me one more time that  I have nothing left.

 

Cause I could go to my grandma’s , but then a new scandal will come, and they live too close to home. I need to get away, I need something, somewhere to go…. I don’t know what to do… all I know is I have no one who cares…….