A middle aged adolescent

Although most of middle aged people would still call me a child, I beg to differ. I am at, what I believe is one of the toughest ages to be at, when you have to make decisions that will affect … Continue reading

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

I never quite understood why they say that opposites attract, because in my experience I’ve noticed a tendency of attitude to attract similar attitude, a person to attract a similar person. I think that these “opposites attract” cases are just … Continue reading

Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.

Seems to me people are always searching for second chances and ways to start over new. It’s gotten to a point where some people go under the knife to revert the consequences of a night or several they no longer … Continue reading

Stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will stay true to you.

It’s never your enemies that get you. It’s always your own people.The ones you hate don’t have the power  to hurt you. I know I’ve always said everything depends on the way you perceive it, but sometimes you don’t really get options. See, I never thought I’d be starting to write about people I know, but I’m tired of acting as if I was fine. “It is very difficult to make me mad” – I always say, but it’s really not that hard these days… because no matter what I do, others seem to know better. No matter what I say, others seem to have heard something else therefor I choose to take my journey of life alone. It may be wrong but I was proven one more time that the only person you can really trust is you yourself.  See the weirdest part is being mad at people for doing what they are doing to you when you hate yourself deeply for the exact same thing you’ve done. So what if it is my biggest regret of all? So what if I have never felt this guilty for anything? So what? I did it. I am a bitch too. At least I have the guts to admit it. See, I hate drama, I really can’t stand it at all, so I’ve stopped contacting people who bring that in my life. And right now I’m scared for my life. I’m scared from the person I’ve become – someone who doesn’t take school seriously AT ALL, someone who does stuff to regret with all my heart later, this feeling of emptiness and sorrow…. I hate myself more than I hate these people who are trying to ruin my life actually. Because a friend of mine said : “the only person who can ruin your life is you yourself”, and she was right. I was denying it though…. but I just don’t see a point of anything anymore. My life is so fucked up again…. more than ever perhaps… I’m in the middle of drama I was trying to avoid. See, there is a difference between when realizing your life has been ruined and when you have ruined your own life. And let me just tell you that I am feeling nothing right now. Nothing at all. Just regret and disappointment in myself. And that is the worst part. I can act I don’t care about what others say or do, but I can’t deny I’ve ruined my own life, my own feelings, friendships. I’m the only cause for all of my problems and long time issues. I can accuse whoever I want to accuse for my problems but in the end I should have known better than trusting people who don’t care anyways. And why should they? In the end life always is about saving yourself… You don’t really think about who you’re leaving behind on the sinking ship your running away from… you don’t think about what you meant to them… you don’t think about what they would have done and actually DID for you, do you? And so on, disappointment after disappointment you eventually end up alone and lonely. No matter how many people are there around you. You’re on your own in sea full of sharks and no one will save you when it comes to them or you. Despite the desperate attempts to be angry at others, I end up feeling sorry for them… sorry for you… sorry for your miserable life in denial… life where drama is the way to tell people what you think… where talking behind ones back counts as communicating with the person. And in the end I sit here with an empty heart but I still have more than you do. I have myself. Struggled one, I agree, but I have one. You have no one, you’re a nobody on it’s own. See, I once was there to catch you when you fell but now I’d rather let you face your life on your own…. alone.  And even though in your opinion  I may be completely wrong about the whole thing, because you know you are the most popular person in the World, the smartest kid in school and most probably the prettiest person in the room. you are just a drama queen who somehow thinks that my life is miserable, you’re the one desperately trying to get attention by talking about it so you might as well stop while it’s not too late. It’s me, I get it, people are people, just human beings, they make mistakes, we make mistakes. But when you do, just admit it. Save your soul before it’s sent to burn in the eternal flames of repentance.

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.

 

 

 

 

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

” I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

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Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do  like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t.  If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…

If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….

the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.

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R.I.P.  ❤ always love you.

“do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

The neverendless question – how to achieve the best? how to earn the biggest money? how to live the fullest life? …and today I’m here to tell you my interpretation of the particular answer..

Let me as always begin with the problem of ours- we’re all paranoid… no,no,I’m not – that’s what you are probably thinking now… Today I’ll talk about who I mean while using such a strong word – “all”. I got to admit I’m one of those person’s who really cares about financial, physical and mental safety… yes, I do… See I’m paranoid…why? Because I’m going down a path were the grass isn’t growing anymore…way too many people have done the same thing befoe me…and many will follow…If you look closely at the people who are on top of their game, they’re all revolutionists…they have made something out of nothing… but we’re keeping something of something alive… as if that was needed… See Albert Einstein used to say “Any idea that does not seem crazy at first, is worth nothing at all” and that is true… I guess the reason why many people chose  “the safety path” is because they care too much of what others think of them…that’s the way world is now..there’s nothing you can do to change the world, you can be one of the “crazy” person’s who make a change in their own lifes. So the other day I was watching E! True Hollywood story (I don’t remember of whom), there was a man who said words that are stuck in my head – “See the thing is, many people come to Hollywood to become famous, therefore only few of them understand what it means” .. and I believe that this sentence is true in so many ways… because you can’t reach the top if you are aiming for the biggest salary… you have to make your job worth the biggest salary first, because if someone else does it- he recieves it… and that is the simple secret why people can’t be at the very top… See I believe in this case there’re 3 kinds of people:

1) People who have no remarkable idea’s, because they have assumed that the ones they have thought of are not good enough… See their biggest problems are  

               a) They don’t believe they’re good enough to achieve something in life. WHY? One reason may be that they have some self-confidence issue, which is oftenly obtained in school, where teachers are not doing enough to put “the bad boys” on the row…

              b)They are lazy and are not ready to put a hard work in a process they believe is impossible to become something bright… see from this one there comes another problem- they are afraid of the thoughts of the others…

             c) They never achieve something more than “average citizen” … some people are happy this way – then they are doing nothing wrong, therefore, the ones who are unhappy living this life may rethink their values 🙂 ..

2) People who have good ieas but by somewhat reason they are afraid to develop it…their biggest issues are

             a)  they are afraid of failure… but they fail anyways…because fear is the biggest failure

             b) they know they can achieve everything if they had a little more of that…little more of this… so they give up after a while

3)People who have good ideas, they invest all they have into developing the idea, later getting back what they had never imagined.

So basically THE SECRET is walking a path no one has walked before instead of blindly following something many people have done before you… And at the end the easiest is what first seems hardest.. because creating something absolutely new is way easier than trying to discover a new America in a place with population over 2 000 000 people. Be creative, produce ideas and never fear developing them! 🙂

“we are new every day”

“Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)”

So often we hear people wishing they could start something over, redo a situation….relive a moment….replay a memory….remember the feelings…recall the words…Wishing upon a star, desperately wanting to see a better day, to live a new life…to be a different person…We would like to delete the bad from our past and make it better…we would like to save something that was meant to be saved…we want to take our words back and keep our heads high… we would want to be the ones to tell others: “Don’t worry, dear, it’ll be better”…how much would it mean to us to have one more chance to say something that has been left unsaid…to do something that has been left undone….believe someone who has been right all along…to listen to someone who has been left ignored…Have you never wondered where are people who used to be your everything now?Have you never wanted to go back to a time where you were different?..happier? Have you ever felt like everything is going wrong…and then have you wished you could just go back in time…. to make it better? Have you ever done something you had to regret… and you just wanted to make it so it had never happened?…so it was the way it was before? Have you ever said something to a person you love that made them leave you?…and then have you wished you could change they way the person felt about you now so you can move on?…live on? If you saw a shooting star would you wish your life to be different?..even little bit? If you know saw the person you hurt, would you say that you feel sorry for what had happened?…and then wish he forgave you?…If you know saw yourself long time ago, would you tell yourself to never do something that has had been done already in your life?…and then you changed? See the thing is, you don’t have to wish the time to go back or the words to be never said… you have to forget living for the past….live for today…and today what you are…. is….DAMN great…and that is all what matters…And when you know tomorrow YOU yourself you will be better…that is all that needs to be said…because… we are new every day.

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.

I’ve recently noticed that every situation mostly depends on your reaction, and not only that… So I’m reading book “The secret”  in which the author talks about positive thinking which as she says is the key to success. I didn’t believe it at first, that’s exactly why I decided to read the book myself, not to trust what  my friends say, but now I have to agree that it really is some secret. Do you have the slightest clue how easier your life gets when you believe in yourself? when you believe in the best? Your reaction, perception and your belief is what makes the world around you… I know I know – it’s so simple, right? How can  that be true? I’m doing fine, but my life sucks etc. Well what can I tell you? Take off the pink glasses and look at yourself for real, realize what there is to change in your behaviour and do it! Life is easy if you believe it is, that’s what buddhists have been telling us since forever – Life is the result of our thoughts and action. That’s our fault that we complicate everything to the way it is. Now think about it for a  second and tell me I’m wrong, go ahead! Well does it make sence now? Let me explain the principle wth a simple argument : Now think about what I say – when you think you can do something easily, you feel more motivated doing it, right? of course you do, because you don’t fear failure and you believe you can do it… When you think something is impossible – you either try harder or never try at all, right? When you try something harder and you still think it’s unreachable after a while you stop trying, cause you see no way to succeeding anyways, but if you never tried at all, you haven’t done anything, which practically is equal to failure to you. So basically we all know that believing our abilities make everything we do easier…it’s just a matter of time to realize that…Also what I’ve noticed is when you take a fight with someone easy, when you don’t freak that it’s the end of your relationship, friendship or whatever, when you believe that it’s just a little bump in your way, it really turns out to be that way. Now, how many of you can honestly raise their hands that they have never made an elephant out of  a fly?  I mean have you never freaked out about something, when it actually turns out to be not that bad? If you raised your hand, take it down and think harder, that is impossible. And that is just the way it works. If you think you’re going to miss your train, wait for it and you really will, if you think you’re alone in the whole world, you will really be soon… See if you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t, you’ll be waaay happier… now that makes sence, right? I thought so.:)

So let’s gather facts :

1. Your life depends on your way of thinking.

2. When you feel good about yourself, you’re more productive and creative, and able to do hard things.

3. when you think about yourself realistic you realize that you have to work on your behaviour.

4. THE SECRET is positive thinking.

“Anxiety is the space between the “now” and the “then.”

Anxiety is the space between the “now” and the “then”, it seems so simple, doesn’t it? But what if the difference between those terms is huge? I mean what if I know where the changes may lead me? I’m not really sure what I’m feeling right now – is it anxiety or is it excitement? But I think it’s little bit of both. I mean I’ve been there, I’ve failed in the same situation 3 years ago, I should have learned something right? Hell yeah I have, but I’m scared that I haven’t learned enough, but there’s no third chance here, I either take it all or lose it all. So what have I learned since the last time? I’ve learned that confidence is not always a good thing, because when you feel too confident about yourself or about what you can do you put no effort in what you do, you feel like you’ve already acomplished what you were aiming for, and that is not true. Also what I’ve realised is that you have to work very hard to feel any improvement at all, it won’t just happen within a blink of an eye, it’s the first step that is the hardest, beggining the way up to your goal. I must admit that you have to dose the hard work properly as well, cause I’m trying to prove myself I can do it, I can change my life- but my brain right now is what they call “overloaded”, I’ve seriously overdone the whole “do it”  thing. I think what my and many others biggest problem is – is the going from one extreme to another, we can’t do anything properly. Of course that may be good in some ways but I’m having a lot of trouble with that property. See I always expect nothing less than the best from myself and others, that’s why I might sound like I’m critisizing everyone else when I’m actually just talking about myself in third party. I somehow believe that in whatever situation I’m in I’m not alone there, that is the whole point of this blog… finding people who can understand what I’m talking about, relate to me and share their opinions…. the last one is not really happening, so I’m having this eternal monologue, but whatever. So basically what I’m saying is that exaggerating things is not any better than ignoring them. So right now I’m working my hardest cause I know I will never forgive myself a failure, it’s just not acceptable, too much is at stake. Have you ever felt this way? what do you do to get the stress and anxiety away? share your story! 🙂