Loneliness is a bitch

Why is it that all women ever talk about anymore is men? Even when alone, we play out these incredibly beautiful scenarios in our heads, making it almost impossible for anyone to meet our expectations. It’s not that I’m expecting … Continue reading

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

I never quite understood why they say that opposites attract, because in my experience I’ve noticed a tendency of attitude to attract similar attitude, a person to attract a similar person. I think that these “opposites attract” cases are just … Continue reading

You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.

By the way she kept staring in one direction, you couldn’t tell if she was really looking into his eyes or just had gotten lost deep in her own thoughts. For a minute there his heart stopped, the girl with these tiffany blue eyes was the same girl he had to leave behind. In about 20 minutes from now, tears will be flowing endlessly from these eyes, the eyes he knew so well, the eyes he had loved since the very first day. In 20 minutes from now, she’ll probably scream how much she hates him and how she never wants to see him again, and then with eyes filled with tears, she’ll make the face that made his heart break every time – the face with no emotion, the face full of hatred and emptiness. And then he’d go. And he’d never see these eyes again. He knew that he was about to break her heart, he knew she was going to feel like he had never loved her, like he didn’t care. But there was no other way. 20 minutes was all he had left with the most precious thing in his life, 20 minutes with his life. See, he knew perfectly that when he left her, he’d never be the same, he’s about to leave his heart behind and he could do nothing to take it with him…even if he wanted to. A tear appeared in the left corner of his eye, he had never felt so vulnerable and yet he was powerful enough to destroy the strongest person he knew. She wiped his tear off and asked in a trembling voice about what was going on? That moment he felt million bees going for his stomach, he felt sick, sick to his stomach, last conversation had begun, it was only a conversation, but it was so much more – it was apocalypse – the end of the world, their world. Moments passed and his lips remained sealed, he couldn’t say those words, he couldn’t do this to the only person who had never lost faith in him, the only person who was always there, the only one who would never do this to him. From a calm sea of love and pure friendliness her eyes had turned into a wild sea filled with confusion, fear and heartbreak. She knew. She felt it. “Don’t say it” – she whispered – “You’re here, I’m here, nothing else matters. Don’t say it” – her voice broke and she started crying lightly. “I can’t stay. You are in my way to moving forward, you’re in my way. I don’t want to be rude to you, believe me, but I can’t love you, you remind me too much of what I do not want to remember. I will not come back and don’t you come looking for me. I’m leaving, that means I’m leaving you behind my present, I don’t want you there anymore. And I’d tell you I was sorry, but the truth is, I’m really not – I need a break, I’ve been running from my past and that’s only because of you. ” – he spoke slowly, sometimes spluttering, sometimes just quavering. The eyes he knew were no longer looking into his, they were jumping from one point to another seeking for an escape, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing just as much as he couldn’t believe what he had just said. He kept his stone cold posture, looking in her eyes with an empty expression, she let  go of his hand, which she had firmly held in hers the whole time. He stood up and headed out the room immediately, just when he had reached the door, he gave her the last look, he saw her just sitting there completely still… completely empty. Well, that made two of them.

    How often in life can you be sure that you’ve met the one? How often can you believe with all your heart that there will never be another? The chances  are one in a million. And even if you do meet the one you can surely call your soul mate, the one you truly lose your heart to, it doesn’t mean you have forever. See, life is not fair. You can try to climb the walls, swim the seas, walk the distances, but life is fragile. Forever never lasts. And just when you think you are there, the moment you realize you have found the one you’d die for, tell them immediately, don’t wait for anything, cause tomorrow may never come. There will always be something trying to tear you apart, someone trying to break what you think is unbreakable. But nothing is more breakable than perfection and happiness. People lie, jealousy overcomes their sanity, no humanity is present.  Cherish the moments you’re happy, because any one of them may be the last one, and when your life will flash behind your eyes before you die  – you don’t want to see regrets. Don’t die empty. Don’t take anything for granted. 

Months had passed and he hadn’t heard a thing about her, he knew it was better this way, but that didn’t make it easier. Four months ago he was happy, and the worst part was that he remembered that. He had lost EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. but he could still remember. “But, god, why? It hurts enough as it is, why make me still understand all the things I’ve done, why make me remember? You’ve taken my ability to move my legs, my arms, even my neck but you can’t seem to finally take my sanity away. Is this my punishment for what I did to her? I had to do it. I couldn’t have let her see me this way, it would have hurt more to be with me like this than to think I never loved her at all. I did what I had to do. TAKE ME AWAY. DON’T MAKE ME BEAR THESE THOUGHTS EVERY DAY.”

The door opened and someone walked in, he didn’t care much though, unless it was someone ready to relieve him, make the pain go away, make him pass away. No, it seemed like god had taken a step closer to making him suffer endlessly, as if he was in one of the Dante’s circles of hell. He smelled something, something he could recognize anywhere. And then he heard it too, for a moment he thought that maybe he already was insane. She opened her mouth and stammered : “B-b-b-aby. You didn’t think that a-a-a-fter all those times you told me you loved me with that s-s-sparkle in your eyes, I’d fall for on-on-e time y-y-you said you didn’t, did-d-d you? Just after you had left, I begun to search for-r-r you and when I finally did, I-I-I was shat-t-tered. I know you p-p-probably don’t understand me or even recognize me, but I had to c-c-come. Just one last time. The doctor said that they were keeping you alive, that you are w-w-w-what they call v-v-eg-e.. I can’t. B-b-baby .Do you hear me?”. He had never tried to move his body so hard in his life, but he just couldn’t, all he could give her was a wink of an eye, but it was enough. He looked into her eyes and he found the way to make sound come out of his mouth : “End this, please” he muttered…. She stared into his eyes and didn’t move. Hours had gone by, all this time she had been sitting in the corner of the room and swinging slightly. She suddenly jumped up, run up to him, looked him in the eyes, mouthed the words ” I love you ” and pulled the wires out, the only source of life he still had left. She killed him. Without him, she had no reason to live what so ever, so she just cut herself all the way across her vein. Ironic how her every thought was similar to what he had been thinking about – about the punishment of god, about doing the right thing. Her eyes fell open, as seen in horror movies, she managed to whisper “Life’s only guarantee is death, and we never break a promise, cause starting today we’ve gotten here. No amount of time with you will ever be enough, but I’m willing to start with forever”

And then she stopped breathing. Just like that. Death, the sable smoke where vanishes the flame.

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just relaxing and not thinking about anything…. what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I haven’t even been myself in last few posts huh? My blog suddenly shows that my life has become this wonderful place when it’s really not. Lie after lie… I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie…But I only do that because I am trying to believe that lie myself. It’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy… until it’s not anymore… til it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… til it becomes reality you can’t escape by lying to them all… What difference will there be if nothing has changed til this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say,what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is just pain. How do you make them realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make them see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not fInE. IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop.. just for a second you stop… it goes through your head, like a movie that’s been put together of all the memories that have made you cry… You see how it has never been good… you see how all he’s done is hurt you… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… You see the conversations you’ve had… you see how he has always made you cry.. You see how you’ve waited til the day you’d get away… you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are not there… you never were… you never will… you realize you don’t really care where you’re going to… as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… so you live the lie… you live the masquerade… and sit there silent… like if you were held in hostage…. no not like.. you are… and you can’t get away… never could… but you know that soon you will be ready… and soon you can… You think of the day you can tell him that’s over.. no more hurting you… no more making you cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… for the day he realizes he screwed it all up… for the day he’ll realize he has hurt you… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really is alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart on him.

 

 

 

 

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

” I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do  like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t.  If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…

If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….

the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.

_______________________

R.I.P.  ❤ always love you.

Music is what feelings sound like. ~author unknown

Hey everyone, today I am giving you something different, I am going to post my song-list of the songs that are good for several occassions and download links. Here they are

HEARTBREAK SONGS

–     everybody hurts  (R.E.M.) – because this song really let’s you cry out everything that you’re feeling.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7910472&song=everybody+hurts

–     irreplacable (Beyonce) – that is the right attitude. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7647560&song=Irreplaceable

–     the way I loved you (Selena Gomez & the Scene)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8329635&song=The+Way+I+Loved+You

–     love hurts (Gram Parson)

http://beemp3.com/index.php?q=Gram+Parsons+love+hurts&st=all

–     fall to pieces (Velvet Revolver)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7040392&song=Fall+To+Pieces

LOVE SONGS

–     I don’t wanna miss a thing (Aerosmith) – one of my favourite songs of all time

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=4662220&song=I+don%60t+Wanna+Miss+A+Thing

–     your song (Elthon John) – makes me cry every time (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8308471&song=Your+Song

–     everything I do (I do it for you) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8413972&song=Everything+I+Do+%28I+Do+It+For+Y

–      I’ll be right here waiting (wherever you go, whatever you do ) (Bryan Adams)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7892639&song=I%27ll+Be+Right+Here+Waiting

–     come what may (Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman) – Moulin rouge ❤

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3424393&song=Come+What+May

–      this love ( Maroon 5) – don’t you just looove maroon5? I know, I do. heh. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2500078&song=Maroon+5+-+This+Love

–     hero (Enrique Iglesias) – used to love that song too.

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8407588&song=Hero

–     always (Blink 182) – amazing band, great song,

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=5163318&song=Always

LIFE SUCKS (music doesn’t)

–    boulevard of broken dreams (Green Day) – GD rocks..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7591346&song=Boulevard+Of+Broken+Dreams

–     black keys (Jonas Brothers) – not a fan of that kind of music, but that song is allright. :))

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8246011&song=Jonas+Brothers+%27+Black+Keys+%27

–     untitled (Simple Plan)- this song is just priceless

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=6282883&song=untitled

–     leave out all the rest (Linkin Park) – the IT band. (:

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3292986&song=Leave+Out+All+The+Rest

CONFUSION SONGS

–      crawl (Chris Brown)

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7868762&song=Crawl

–     coming clean (Green Day) – here is more GD, believe me, this is not the last one..

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=8412827&song=Coming+Clean

–   how soon is now? (The Smiths)  

 http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=2165253&song=How+Soon+Is+Now

SADNESS SONGS  (when somebody dies/leaves you)

–     when you’re gone (Avril Lavigne) – the lyrics are great, but the singing disturbs a bit

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7671862&song=When+You%27re+Gone

–     daddy’s little girl (Frankie J)- this song is one of the best I’ve ever heard

couldn’t find a place to download it, but you can watch it right there (that song is really priceless, amazing)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5aTwvWEQD8&feature=player_embedded

–     Slipped away (Avril Lavigne)- again, the lyrics is the reason why this song is here

–     the last song (Elthon John)

–     tears in heaven (Eric Clapton)

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if you have any questions, suggestions or anything else write in a comment section or write me heywhatsupitsjenn@inbox.lv

i am too shocked to think about the title.

I was sitting quetly in my room, just checking up on my facebook and emails.Feeling tired and pretty much exausted. And there…the news came in…the tragedy that hit my in shock. The words were repeating themselves in my head.. again… and again…and again… I was sitting feeling no emotion, not believing my ears…not believing that something like that could have really happened. But when the schock was over, the sadness…the fear…the confusion came in… Tears rolling down my cheeks….truth hitting me…words repeating louder and louder AND LOUDER. I just could have never imagined something like that could happen with someone I love, I still can’t…That is unbelievable…I can’t believe it’s true. I just want to cry…

She’s been everybody else’s girl…maybe one day she’ll be her own

There are so many people that live for others, they care only about what others think. They go trough their lives with many eyes admiring them, while loosing themselves. Yes, they are popular, yes, they are admired- but the person people admire is slowly fading away… trying to escape that hell. I’m not saying that good looks don’t matter- but I think- what’s the good about bon-bon that looks good on the outside, but tastes like crap? I mean, walking-breathing doll, too cool to care about others, too busy to be with the ones who was with them while they were still humans, too fake to even know what’s real… a walking barbie-doll…. She’s been with every cool guy, she’s friends with every cool girl, she gets everything she wants… she gets enough of everything, everyone gets enough of her… but she will never be her own… The truth is she doesn’t know herself who she is.. and she never will… she’s just going trough her life on those high heels thinking she’s perfectly fine, when truth is – the deepest seas of her soul are falling apart, tearing up inside.. Where is she? Where is the girl she used to be? There’s only plastic doll walking upon me.

Suicide is mans way of telling God you can’t fire me .. i quit

I know I felt happy, but I cant live from one person. One heals and eeverybody shoots. I don’t know, maybe, I look like a live target? Why does everyone keep doing this to me? What have I done wrong to sit in the corner and quietly cry on a friday night? What if I don’t want to sacrifise myself for your egos?

My sunshine and I we’re keeping our world together, but what happens while we’re apart?

I feel like running away, like leaving everything that’s here, I could drive without looking back or having an exact destination, I just want to get away.

Human is egoistic, bitchy being, they do everything for themselves, they call weird people, that are different. But c’mon I don’t want to be like everyone. If I wanted a clone I’d tell, but believe me I don’t.

if you’re ready to kill your family just to feel better, that’s weird.

And why, why, WHY people look at others from above? What have they done to think they are better than others? What do they get from that? Coolness, style, popularity? Well, if that’s what it’s all about, I don’t need any of those shits.

I know it makes you mad, but I don’t need you to feel fine, just leave me the fuck alone and get lost [!!]

Just don’t fall out of your throne, you may broke something, honey.