” I will never forget you”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”
“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”
Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t. If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…
If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….
the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.
R.I.P. ❤ always love you.