A middle aged adolescent

Although most of middle aged people would still call me a child, I beg to differ. I am at, what I believe is one of the toughest ages to be at, when you have to make decisions that will affect … Continue reading

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

I never quite understood why they say that opposites attract, because in my experience I’ve noticed a tendency of attitude to attract similar attitude, a person to attract a similar person. I think that these “opposites attract” cases are just … Continue reading

One shoe doesn’t fit everyone.

I wanted to open up with you and tell you the story of how I went against what is believed to be right, only to find myself in the best place I’ve been in yet. Society is full of what … Continue reading

You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.

By the way she kept staring in one direction, you couldn’t tell if she was really looking into his eyes or just had gotten lost deep in her own thoughts. For a minute there his heart stopped, the girl with these tiffany blue eyes was the same girl he had to leave behind. In about 20 minutes from now, tears will be flowing endlessly from these eyes, the eyes he knew so well, the eyes he had loved since the very first day. In 20 minutes from now, she’ll probably scream how much she hates him and how she never wants to see him again, and then with eyes filled with tears, she’ll make the face that made his heart break every time – the face with no emotion, the face full of hatred and emptiness. And then he’d go. And he’d never see these eyes again. He knew that he was about to break her heart, he knew she was going to feel like he had never loved her, like he didn’t care. But there was no other way. 20 minutes was all he had left with the most precious thing in his life, 20 minutes with his life. See, he knew perfectly that when he left her, he’d never be the same, he’s about to leave his heart behind and he could do nothing to take it with him…even if he wanted to. A tear appeared in the left corner of his eye, he had never felt so vulnerable and yet he was powerful enough to destroy the strongest person he knew. She wiped his tear off and asked in a trembling voice about what was going on? That moment he felt million bees going for his stomach, he felt sick, sick to his stomach, last conversation had begun, it was only a conversation, but it was so much more – it was apocalypse – the end of the world, their world. Moments passed and his lips remained sealed, he couldn’t say those words, he couldn’t do this to the only person who had never lost faith in him, the only person who was always there, the only one who would never do this to him. From a calm sea of love and pure friendliness her eyes had turned into a wild sea filled with confusion, fear and heartbreak. She knew. She felt it. “Don’t say it” – she whispered – “You’re here, I’m here, nothing else matters. Don’t say it” – her voice broke and she started crying lightly. “I can’t stay. You are in my way to moving forward, you’re in my way. I don’t want to be rude to you, believe me, but I can’t love you, you remind me too much of what I do not want to remember. I will not come back and don’t you come looking for me. I’m leaving, that means I’m leaving you behind my present, I don’t want you there anymore. And I’d tell you I was sorry, but the truth is, I’m really not – I need a break, I’ve been running from my past and that’s only because of you. ” – he spoke slowly, sometimes spluttering, sometimes just quavering. The eyes he knew were no longer looking into his, they were jumping from one point to another seeking for an escape, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing just as much as he couldn’t believe what he had just said. He kept his stone cold posture, looking in her eyes with an empty expression, she let  go of his hand, which she had firmly held in hers the whole time. He stood up and headed out the room immediately, just when he had reached the door, he gave her the last look, he saw her just sitting there completely still… completely empty. Well, that made two of them.

    How often in life can you be sure that you’ve met the one? How often can you believe with all your heart that there will never be another? The chances  are one in a million. And even if you do meet the one you can surely call your soul mate, the one you truly lose your heart to, it doesn’t mean you have forever. See, life is not fair. You can try to climb the walls, swim the seas, walk the distances, but life is fragile. Forever never lasts. And just when you think you are there, the moment you realize you have found the one you’d die for, tell them immediately, don’t wait for anything, cause tomorrow may never come. There will always be something trying to tear you apart, someone trying to break what you think is unbreakable. But nothing is more breakable than perfection and happiness. People lie, jealousy overcomes their sanity, no humanity is present.  Cherish the moments you’re happy, because any one of them may be the last one, and when your life will flash behind your eyes before you die  – you don’t want to see regrets. Don’t die empty. Don’t take anything for granted. 

Months had passed and he hadn’t heard a thing about her, he knew it was better this way, but that didn’t make it easier. Four months ago he was happy, and the worst part was that he remembered that. He had lost EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. but he could still remember. “But, god, why? It hurts enough as it is, why make me still understand all the things I’ve done, why make me remember? You’ve taken my ability to move my legs, my arms, even my neck but you can’t seem to finally take my sanity away. Is this my punishment for what I did to her? I had to do it. I couldn’t have let her see me this way, it would have hurt more to be with me like this than to think I never loved her at all. I did what I had to do. TAKE ME AWAY. DON’T MAKE ME BEAR THESE THOUGHTS EVERY DAY.”

The door opened and someone walked in, he didn’t care much though, unless it was someone ready to relieve him, make the pain go away, make him pass away. No, it seemed like god had taken a step closer to making him suffer endlessly, as if he was in one of the Dante’s circles of hell. He smelled something, something he could recognize anywhere. And then he heard it too, for a moment he thought that maybe he already was insane. She opened her mouth and stammered : “B-b-b-aby. You didn’t think that a-a-a-fter all those times you told me you loved me with that s-s-sparkle in your eyes, I’d fall for on-on-e time y-y-you said you didn’t, did-d-d you? Just after you had left, I begun to search for-r-r you and when I finally did, I-I-I was shat-t-tered. I know you p-p-probably don’t understand me or even recognize me, but I had to c-c-come. Just one last time. The doctor said that they were keeping you alive, that you are w-w-w-what they call v-v-eg-e.. I can’t. B-b-baby .Do you hear me?”. He had never tried to move his body so hard in his life, but he just couldn’t, all he could give her was a wink of an eye, but it was enough. He looked into her eyes and he found the way to make sound come out of his mouth : “End this, please” he muttered…. She stared into his eyes and didn’t move. Hours had gone by, all this time she had been sitting in the corner of the room and swinging slightly. She suddenly jumped up, run up to him, looked him in the eyes, mouthed the words ” I love you ” and pulled the wires out, the only source of life he still had left. She killed him. Without him, she had no reason to live what so ever, so she just cut herself all the way across her vein. Ironic how her every thought was similar to what he had been thinking about – about the punishment of god, about doing the right thing. Her eyes fell open, as seen in horror movies, she managed to whisper “Life’s only guarantee is death, and we never break a promise, cause starting today we’ve gotten here. No amount of time with you will ever be enough, but I’m willing to start with forever”

And then she stopped breathing. Just like that. Death, the sable smoke where vanishes the flame.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

Have you ever thought about what is the music of your heart? What are the things that help you to get through the hopeless nights? What tells your friends you need awakening?

See, tears are the eyes of the soul.You have to open your eyes to see clear. I don’t quite get why crying is considered bad, it’s beautiful. It’s the most honest thing in the World, the most truthful emotion person can have. Don’t condemn them, admire them, guard them and spread them for the right reasons.

Putting tears in one category is unfair, cause it’s so much more than just one emotion. Tears include so much emotion – love, caring about something or someone, sadness, happiness, pride, betrayal, belief, disappointment – and these are just few of them.

Why do people watch sad movies? Because the feeling after crying your soul out is refreshing and priceless. The enlightenment you feel after realized what the deep moral was, the appreciation for what you have instead of wining about what you’re lacking. Even the part when you feel sorry for yourself – it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful when you cry, you’re sincere, you’re amazingly beautiful.

Tears are a part of being sorry for thyself but it’s OK, cause no one else will. Look them in the eyes and don’t fear crying. No, it doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’ve been strong for too long. No one should ever in their lives apologize for crying. No. Crying is the beauty sleep for the soul. It breaks you, shapes you and shakes you.

Dare to cry. Dare to be honest and true. Dare to cry for the ones who are in need, cry for those who are alone and lonely, cry for those who lost it all, cry for yourself. Be selfish. Love. And tears are an essential part of love. And they are beautiful. They prove your affection. They prove your repentance.

Your eyes are the mirror of your soul, don’t let it be false, wash the window, darling, to see me brighter. Wash the mirror to see yourself more clearly. Use the eyes of the soul to look in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye and be proud, be proud of every tear you’ve shed, be proud of every mistake you have made, be proud for every sin you have done. Love everything you do. Shed a tear for that too.

 

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.

I’ve recently noticed that every situation mostly depends on your reaction, and not only that… So I’m reading book “The secret”  in which the author talks about positive thinking which as she says is the key to success. I didn’t believe it at first, that’s exactly why I decided to read the book myself, not to trust what  my friends say, but now I have to agree that it really is some secret. Do you have the slightest clue how easier your life gets when you believe in yourself? when you believe in the best? Your reaction, perception and your belief is what makes the world around you… I know I know – it’s so simple, right? How can  that be true? I’m doing fine, but my life sucks etc. Well what can I tell you? Take off the pink glasses and look at yourself for real, realize what there is to change in your behaviour and do it! Life is easy if you believe it is, that’s what buddhists have been telling us since forever – Life is the result of our thoughts and action. That’s our fault that we complicate everything to the way it is. Now think about it for a  second and tell me I’m wrong, go ahead! Well does it make sence now? Let me explain the principle wth a simple argument : Now think about what I say – when you think you can do something easily, you feel more motivated doing it, right? of course you do, because you don’t fear failure and you believe you can do it… When you think something is impossible – you either try harder or never try at all, right? When you try something harder and you still think it’s unreachable after a while you stop trying, cause you see no way to succeeding anyways, but if you never tried at all, you haven’t done anything, which practically is equal to failure to you. So basically we all know that believing our abilities make everything we do easier…it’s just a matter of time to realize that…Also what I’ve noticed is when you take a fight with someone easy, when you don’t freak that it’s the end of your relationship, friendship or whatever, when you believe that it’s just a little bump in your way, it really turns out to be that way. Now, how many of you can honestly raise their hands that they have never made an elephant out of  a fly?  I mean have you never freaked out about something, when it actually turns out to be not that bad? If you raised your hand, take it down and think harder, that is impossible. And that is just the way it works. If you think you’re going to miss your train, wait for it and you really will, if you think you’re alone in the whole world, you will really be soon… See if you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t, you’ll be waaay happier… now that makes sence, right? I thought so.:)

So let’s gather facts :

1. Your life depends on your way of thinking.

2. When you feel good about yourself, you’re more productive and creative, and able to do hard things.

3. when you think about yourself realistic you realize that you have to work on your behaviour.

4. THE SECRET is positive thinking.

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”

I’ve always been pretty sure about what am I gonna do with my life, but here I am, empty-minded in this autumn morning, hoping I had half of that confidence I had back then. It’s just that you are always so sure about what you are going to do, which way are going to go, what road are you going to pick, but when the moment comes, when you should know exactly what’s right for you, you know nothing at all. So here I am, hoping I do not make mistake, at the same time freaking out quietly, praying for the oblivion to come… But it’s never that easy, nothing’s that easy. You may have to walk down 5 roads to realize, that your first pick was the right one, or you might walk one road and never find what you’ve been seeking for, then blaming yourself whole your life- what if you would have just made one choice differently. What if… That’s a new one. How many times have people wondered what would have happened if they did something differently, most of them are miserable and unhappy with their choices. But, to be honest I don’t want to blame myself for my life, I want to do this right. But how? Here we go again, one more question that is not answered. Do you think that’s it? No, I could ask you what’s the reason for my fear? – but no, I know answer to that one – it’s not knowing, we don’t like things we don’t understand or can’t predict. Isn’t this just perfect? I wish I could know answer to the big question at the end WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE? – but there it is again – questions, wondering, guessing – I am tired of that. I just want to end this battle with myself, but I can’t. What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? What will I do ?

 

“I realize I’m in one of those stages where I’m mad at the world…It’s like I’m daring the world to push me off a cliff…just to see if I can fly.”

I feel like I am finally coming to my senses. They always try to make it to look like I’m the bad one, the one who doesn’t understand, doesn’t care. And I used to believe it, cause I just didn’t know who I am, but now I do, now I know that I was always wrong in a right way. Cause, actually, I’m the only one that does care, the only one who does understand! Now, isn’t that just silly? It appears that actually everybody was lying to me, to themselves, but now I know, I’m right. So that’s enough I’m not letting anyone to step on my head anymore, I am not letting people to take advantage of me, cause I’m so done with that. Yes, I’m mad, but I will not show that, cause it just doesn’t matter. Yes, I know I’m right, but I won’t tell, cause it’s just easier. Yes, I know that I can’t live like this, but I have to, cause apparently, some people just have to live like that, even though they deserve better. But just wait, cause one day, one day I will help all the people who have to live this way, I’m going to destroy, mentally destroy people who make everybody believe that they are innocent, while they are actually killing others WHO ARE innocent. What’s up with those people? How can they be so false and so evil[ish] and everybody thinks they are great, friendly and amazing? What the hell is happening to the world? We just don’t see clearly anymore. We just don’t. And I know, yes, I am angry at the whole world now, but I like to dare it to kill me, cause it just can’t, I”m way too smart for that. I’m way too mature for that. And soon everybody who is not, will be, cause I’m not just letting the world to destroy itself!

This silence hurts me more than anything you could say

We’ve been here for a while now,

Not talking for days in a row.

I’m ready to hear what you feel,

About all the problems you deal.

This silence is killing me,

letting me wonder how we could be.

I guess the words that are left unsaid,

In a story will be read;

Happilly never after,

feeling’s that do not matter.

You have to say something,

It’s better than leavin’ me with nothing.

We once used to be together,

Now without me you feel better..

How did the feelings change?

What for will you revenge?

I’m feeling you slip away,

Further day by day.

I know you want me to let go,

I love you, that’s why I’ll do so.

Love is feeling that you can’t take from me,

Without me you say you’ll be happier, well you better be.

She’s been everybody else’s girl…maybe one day she’ll be her own

There are so many people that live for others, they care only about what others think. They go trough their lives with many eyes admiring them, while loosing themselves. Yes, they are popular, yes, they are admired- but the person people admire is slowly fading away… trying to escape that hell. I’m not saying that good looks don’t matter- but I think- what’s the good about bon-bon that looks good on the outside, but tastes like crap? I mean, walking-breathing doll, too cool to care about others, too busy to be with the ones who was with them while they were still humans, too fake to even know what’s real… a walking barbie-doll…. She’s been with every cool guy, she’s friends with every cool girl, she gets everything she wants… she gets enough of everything, everyone gets enough of her… but she will never be her own… The truth is she doesn’t know herself who she is.. and she never will… she’s just going trough her life on those high heels thinking she’s perfectly fine, when truth is – the deepest seas of her soul are falling apart, tearing up inside.. Where is she? Where is the girl she used to be? There’s only plastic doll walking upon me.