Why am I so impatient?Don’t tell me I’m alone…I honestly don’t know what is worse than waiting for me…Been waiting for the exam results for 1,5days now…it feels like 2 weeks already…I know that the results will be available tomorrow…but that is so long…My life can change….I did the biggest step last week by passing the maths test…but this one… who knows… nobody is sure about the results, they are unpredictable…It’s so frustrating to wait… I’m freaking out…. This is a life changing step for me….I mean a step forward my dreams I had almost given up on….the biggest step I could make now…a huge step actually…I wasn’t nervous writing it, only waiting is what is so unbelievably hard…I can’t be the only one to be impatient, can I? I mean why are we so nervous about the waiting phase? I guess it’s because we realize there’s nothing we can do but wait….and the feeling is so bad…not bad actually, more emotive….It’s like my heart is beating irregularly…like I’ve put 300 pounds on my heart…like I can’t think, can’t do anything….It’s not the outcome I’m worrying about, I just need to know….whether it’s positive or negative – it’s just the answer I need to know… I feel like squirrels are dancing in my stomach….in my heart….It’s like my world is spinning around this waiting…my world has stopped…but it’s still going…like time is not present here…but it’s still ticking as fast as before…like I’m over obsessed ….but still not caring… Such controversial feelings and emotions going through me… I don’t think I’ll feel destroyed if I fail, but I know I’ll be the happiest person in world if I pass.. It could give me the confidence I have always been searching for…what I need to be satisfied with myself, you know?….What is the answer?… is it YES, is it NO? I just need to know… I just need to know immediately….I really do….
Anxiety is the space between the “now” and the “then”, it seems so simple, doesn’t it? But what if the difference between those terms is huge? I mean what if I know where the changes may lead me? I’m not really sure what I’m feeling right now – is it anxiety or is it excitement? But I think it’s little bit of both. I mean I’ve been there, I’ve failed in the same situation 3 years ago, I should have learned something right? Hell yeah I have, but I’m scared that I haven’t learned enough, but there’s no third chance here, I either take it all or lose it all. So what have I learned since the last time? I’ve learned that confidence is not always a good thing, because when you feel too confident about yourself or about what you can do you put no effort in what you do, you feel like you’ve already acomplished what you were aiming for, and that is not true. Also what I’ve realised is that you have to work very hard to feel any improvement at all, it won’t just happen within a blink of an eye, it’s the first step that is the hardest, beggining the way up to your goal. I must admit that you have to dose the hard work properly as well, cause I’m trying to prove myself I can do it, I can change my life- but my brain right now is what they call “overloaded”, I’ve seriously overdone the whole “do it” thing. I think what my and many others biggest problem is – is the going from one extreme to another, we can’t do anything properly. Of course that may be good in some ways but I’m having a lot of trouble with that property. See I always expect nothing less than the best from myself and others, that’s why I might sound like I’m critisizing everyone else when I’m actually just talking about myself in third party. I somehow believe that in whatever situation I’m in I’m not alone there, that is the whole point of this blog… finding people who can understand what I’m talking about, relate to me and share their opinions…. the last one is not really happening, so I’m having this eternal monologue, but whatever. So basically what I’m saying is that exaggerating things is not any better than ignoring them. So right now I’m working my hardest cause I know I will never forgive myself a failure, it’s just not acceptable, too much is at stake. Have you ever felt this way? what do you do to get the stress and anxiety away? share your story! 🙂