10 hours away from my senior year of high-school, I am having a throwback at the last 11 years. A lot has happened, I have grown into an individual with its own beliefs. Just a week ago I was mad … Continue reading
Seems to me people are always searching for second chances and ways to start over new. It’s gotten to a point where some people go under the knife to revert the consequences of a night or several they no longer … Continue reading
By the way she kept staring in one direction, you couldn’t tell if she was really looking into his eyes or just had gotten lost deep in her own thoughts. For a minute there his heart stopped, the girl with these tiffany blue eyes was the same girl he had to leave behind. In about 20 minutes from now, tears will be flowing endlessly from these eyes, the eyes he knew so well, the eyes he had loved since the very first day. In 20 minutes from now, she’ll probably scream how much she hates him and how she never wants to see him again, and then with eyes filled with tears, she’ll make the face that made his heart break every time – the face with no emotion, the face full of hatred and emptiness. And then he’d go. And he’d never see these eyes again. He knew that he was about to break her heart, he knew she was going to feel like he had never loved her, like he didn’t care. But there was no other way. 20 minutes was all he had left with the most precious thing in his life, 20 minutes with his life. See, he knew perfectly that when he left her, he’d never be the same, he’s about to leave his heart behind and he could do nothing to take it with him…even if he wanted to. A tear appeared in the left corner of his eye, he had never felt so vulnerable and yet he was powerful enough to destroy the strongest person he knew. She wiped his tear off and asked in a trembling voice about what was going on? That moment he felt million bees going for his stomach, he felt sick, sick to his stomach, last conversation had begun, it was only a conversation, but it was so much more – it was apocalypse – the end of the world, their world. Moments passed and his lips remained sealed, he couldn’t say those words, he couldn’t do this to the only person who had never lost faith in him, the only person who was always there, the only one who would never do this to him. From a calm sea of love and pure friendliness her eyes had turned into a wild sea filled with confusion, fear and heartbreak. She knew. She felt it. “Don’t say it” – she whispered – “You’re here, I’m here, nothing else matters. Don’t say it” – her voice broke and she started crying lightly. “I can’t stay. You are in my way to moving forward, you’re in my way. I don’t want to be rude to you, believe me, but I can’t love you, you remind me too much of what I do not want to remember. I will not come back and don’t you come looking for me. I’m leaving, that means I’m leaving you behind my present, I don’t want you there anymore. And I’d tell you I was sorry, but the truth is, I’m really not – I need a break, I’ve been running from my past and that’s only because of you. ” – he spoke slowly, sometimes spluttering, sometimes just quavering. The eyes he knew were no longer looking into his, they were jumping from one point to another seeking for an escape, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing just as much as he couldn’t believe what he had just said. He kept his stone cold posture, looking in her eyes with an empty expression, she let go of his hand, which she had firmly held in hers the whole time. He stood up and headed out the room immediately, just when he had reached the door, he gave her the last look, he saw her just sitting there completely still… completely empty. Well, that made two of them.
How often in life can you be sure that you’ve met the one? How often can you believe with all your heart that there will never be another? The chances are one in a million. And even if you do meet the one you can surely call your soul mate, the one you truly lose your heart to, it doesn’t mean you have forever. See, life is not fair. You can try to climb the walls, swim the seas, walk the distances, but life is fragile. Forever never lasts. And just when you think you are there, the moment you realize you have found the one you’d die for, tell them immediately, don’t wait for anything, cause tomorrow may never come. There will always be something trying to tear you apart, someone trying to break what you think is unbreakable. But nothing is more breakable than perfection and happiness. People lie, jealousy overcomes their sanity, no humanity is present. Cherish the moments you’re happy, because any one of them may be the last one, and when your life will flash behind your eyes before you die – you don’t want to see regrets. Don’t die empty. Don’t take anything for granted.
Months had passed and he hadn’t heard a thing about her, he knew it was better this way, but that didn’t make it easier. Four months ago he was happy, and the worst part was that he remembered that. He had lost EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. but he could still remember. “But, god, why? It hurts enough as it is, why make me still understand all the things I’ve done, why make me remember? You’ve taken my ability to move my legs, my arms, even my neck but you can’t seem to finally take my sanity away. Is this my punishment for what I did to her? I had to do it. I couldn’t have let her see me this way, it would have hurt more to be with me like this than to think I never loved her at all. I did what I had to do. TAKE ME AWAY. DON’T MAKE ME BEAR THESE THOUGHTS EVERY DAY.”
The door opened and someone walked in, he didn’t care much though, unless it was someone ready to relieve him, make the pain go away, make him pass away. No, it seemed like god had taken a step closer to making him suffer endlessly, as if he was in one of the Dante’s circles of hell. He smelled something, something he could recognize anywhere. And then he heard it too, for a moment he thought that maybe he already was insane. She opened her mouth and stammered : “B-b-b-aby. You didn’t think that a-a-a-fter all those times you told me you loved me with that s-s-sparkle in your eyes, I’d fall for on-on-e time y-y-you said you didn’t, did-d-d you? Just after you had left, I begun to search for-r-r you and when I finally did, I-I-I was shat-t-tered. I know you p-p-probably don’t understand me or even recognize me, but I had to c-c-come. Just one last time. The doctor said that they were keeping you alive, that you are w-w-w-what they call v-v-eg-e.. I can’t. B-b-baby .Do you hear me?”. He had never tried to move his body so hard in his life, but he just couldn’t, all he could give her was a wink of an eye, but it was enough. He looked into her eyes and he found the way to make sound come out of his mouth : “End this, please” he muttered…. She stared into his eyes and didn’t move. Hours had gone by, all this time she had been sitting in the corner of the room and swinging slightly. She suddenly jumped up, run up to him, looked him in the eyes, mouthed the words ” I love you ” and pulled the wires out, the only source of life he still had left. She killed him. Without him, she had no reason to live what so ever, so she just cut herself all the way across her vein. Ironic how her every thought was similar to what he had been thinking about – about the punishment of god, about doing the right thing. Her eyes fell open, as seen in horror movies, she managed to whisper “Life’s only guarantee is death, and we never break a promise, cause starting today we’ve gotten here. No amount of time with you will ever be enough, but I’m willing to start with forever”
And then she stopped breathing. Just like that. Death, the sable smoke where vanishes the flame.
” I will never forget you”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”
“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”
Being close to someone is hard…when you loose them…You say you never will forget them and you really mean it…you cry for them, you miss them…. and you think you always will… I don’t want to forget! NO! I want to remember every second we spent together, I do. I miss every moment with you, I miss you so terribly. Why is this happening? Why? Why are my memories slowly fading away? No! I need to remember, I need to… This is just killing me… I feel how I can’t remember your smell anymore, I almost don’t remember your laughter, but I want to… I love you so much…. will that fade away as well? I don’t want to believe it.. I don’t want to believe I won’t remember… I can’t believe you are not here, you never got the chance to see me grow up… succeed… chase my dreams… you were never there to see me make my first decisions….you were never there to keep your promises…. you are not here… You were my guardian…. why did you have to leave me in this crazy world… It’s been so long and I’ve still haven’t got over your death, I still can’t accept it.. I know it’s naive to believe that you’ll show up here one day, I’ve been waiting for that for so long… I’ve believed for so long… I still do… It hurts so much that I’m forgetting your smile, laughter, voice and smell…I’m forgetting you… but that’s not my choice… no, I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life… I need you. I’ve always needed you… people blame me for not believing in god, but how can I have faith in God when he took you away from me? He took away the person who could’ve saved my soul… and now he’s taking away my memory… when it’s all I’ve left of you. HE CAN’T DO THIS!!! What happens when I forget? What happens when I loose my faith? I promised to myself I’d never forget, but I feel the pictures fading away… Why? why? I LOVE YOU. I can’t let you go and I don’t want to… Every time I hear your name it brings the pain back, I suffer…. I still don’t accept it, even though it’s been 8 years. It’s just not real to me, no…. I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU! I feel so helpless….What is worst? I still don’t know what happened.. I just know the ruthless way they found his body, I don’t know what really happened. And that fucking bitch destroyed him.. and now she married another man. What if she didn’t hurt him that way? Maybe he’d be here right now, calling me to go out for pizza. Maybe he’d be here to tell me how silly my hair looks… maybe he’d be here laughing as he used to… Maybe he’d tell me what to do like he always did…maybe he’d even hug me and keep me real close like he used to… It’s just too hard… .I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want to forget. I don’t. If I had just one wish, I would give anything to see him one more time, have a chance to tell him how much I love him and hear his voice again… I would give anything for just 2 minutes… for something…
If I just knew what happened, I maybe could let it go… If it was a suicide I could be mad at you for leaving me… I could hate you for choosing that way. If it wasn’t – I could search for the guilty, I could….
the truth? i tried as hard as i could. i took as much as i could take. i put up with all i could. and it still wasn’t enough.
R.I.P. ❤ always love you.
I’ve always been pretty sure about what am I gonna do with my life, but here I am, empty-minded in this autumn morning, hoping I had half of that confidence I had back then. It’s just that you are always so sure about what you are going to do, which way are going to go, what road are you going to pick, but when the moment comes, when you should know exactly what’s right for you, you know nothing at all. So here I am, hoping I do not make mistake, at the same time freaking out quietly, praying for the oblivion to come… But it’s never that easy, nothing’s that easy. You may have to walk down 5 roads to realize, that your first pick was the right one, or you might walk one road and never find what you’ve been seeking for, then blaming yourself whole your life- what if you would have just made one choice differently. What if… That’s a new one. How many times have people wondered what would have happened if they did something differently, most of them are miserable and unhappy with their choices. But, to be honest I don’t want to blame myself for my life, I want to do this right. But how? Here we go again, one more question that is not answered. Do you think that’s it? No, I could ask you what’s the reason for my fear? – but no, I know answer to that one – it’s not knowing, we don’t like things we don’t understand or can’t predict. Isn’t this just perfect? I wish I could know answer to the big question at the end WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE? – but there it is again – questions, wondering, guessing – I am tired of that. I just want to end this battle with myself, but I can’t. What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? What will I do ?
After a tragical day, I started thinking. Why is everything the way it is? Is it because I’m awful? Is it because I’m wrong? Or maybe cause I just don’t know who I am anymore… I’m thinking about taking the mask off, I wan’t to be myself again… only I don’t know how anymore… I’ve built such a protection shield around me, so that no one can hurt me, but it still doesn’t work.. of course, it may be worse… I wan’t to let my guard down, I want to be true again, I’m just too scared that I’d be hurt again.. I wonder if it’s because I’m dumb, I wonder if it’s because I’m alone. Or maybe I just want to be a person? When I look at people I just don’t see the conection between them and me, cause I’m so much different.. But I’m done with trying to pull myself together, I’m done with being alone, I’m done with my life. I’m starting a new one!
I feel like I am finally coming to my senses. They always try to make it to look like I’m the bad one, the one who doesn’t understand, doesn’t care. And I used to believe it, cause I just didn’t know who I am, but now I do, now I know that I was always wrong in a right way. Cause, actually, I’m the only one that does care, the only one who does understand! Now, isn’t that just silly? It appears that actually everybody was lying to me, to themselves, but now I know, I’m right. So that’s enough I’m not letting anyone to step on my head anymore, I am not letting people to take advantage of me, cause I’m so done with that. Yes, I’m mad, but I will not show that, cause it just doesn’t matter. Yes, I know I’m right, but I won’t tell, cause it’s just easier. Yes, I know that I can’t live like this, but I have to, cause apparently, some people just have to live like that, even though they deserve better. But just wait, cause one day, one day I will help all the people who have to live this way, I’m going to destroy, mentally destroy people who make everybody believe that they are innocent, while they are actually killing others WHO ARE innocent. What’s up with those people? How can they be so false and so evil[ish] and everybody thinks they are great, friendly and amazing? What the hell is happening to the world? We just don’t see clearly anymore. We just don’t. And I know, yes, I am angry at the whole world now, but I like to dare it to kill me, cause it just can’t, I”m way too smart for that. I’m way too mature for that. And soon everybody who is not, will be, cause I’m not just letting the world to destroy itself!